Modern Athlete Magazine Issue 105, April 2018 | Page 22

ROAD RUNNING
Apologies in Advance
Runners have a way of talking about their running passion that a non-runner will never quite understand, or appreciate, so I
thought I would issue a little apology for our running obsession… – BY LIZETTE DU PLESSIS
I
f you’ve ever run a marathon, or a half marathon, oh heck, any sort of
race, ever, you’ve totally done this before: Bored someone to tears with
every intricate detail of every single second of your racing endeavour.
On the one hand, you should be proud of your accomplishment. You did it,
you’re awesome! But on the other hand, does the rest of the world really
need to hear about the stitch you developed at 7.6km, or that nasty blister
you developed around 14.5km, and how you had to stop for a minute at
the next water station to pop it? No, they definitely do not.
We’ve all caught ourselves doing this from time to time, humble-bragging
about our various running-related accomplishments, but let me show
you how annoying it is… and I must warn you, this is going to be pretty
unbearable.
Do I have a story for you!
Let me tell you about my race last Saturday. But first I simply have to
go pretty in-depth about my months of preparation, talk about all the
encouragement and support I received from friends and family, and give
you a kilometre-by-kilometre assessment of my state of mind and physical
condition during the training and build-up, and then the race itself.
I hate to say it, but this is going to take quite a bit of your time. Split times,
cramping, hydration levels, chafing, you’re about to hear all of that, plus
I’ll be dwelling on one point around 17km when I considered stopping, but
then decided to keep going because I’d already come so far. There’s a lot
to cover, so make yourself comfortable.
I’ll inevitably start with how I carbo-loaded the night before the race, which
by itself will not be a particularly long or objectionable story, but let me
assure you it will segue right into an excruciatingly detailed explanation
of the diet I maintain to stay in peak physical shape. And that, in turn, will
lead into my training regimen, my special lightweight marathon gear, and,
unfortunately for you, a lengthy period during which I expound upon the
health benefits of distance running.
I can’t even imagine how horrible it will be for you to hear still more running stuff, and how
I believe I’ve progressed as a runner, etc, etc, but by this point, there just won’t be any
getting around it.
And while it is at best tangentially related, I may at any moment during the conversation
launch into an agonising digression on the merits of five-day juice cleanses. I beg your
forgiveness. Again.
Worst of all, though, I’m definitely going to run more races in the future, so I’ll have to tell
you all about the various races I’m thinking about entering, and the pros and cons
of each course, the start times and travelling distances and entry fees and
qualifying requirements, and more. Please, accept my deepest apologies
in advance, because as excruciating as today’s discussion already is,
it won’t end here.
Just can’t help myself…
Here’s the truly awful part: Every single day during my
weeks of preparation leading up to the next race, I’m
going to make you stop whatever you’re doing to
tell you the number of kilometres I ran the previous
evening, and what my heart rate was. I’ll also tell
you that you should run one of these things,
too, because if I can run, so can you. Yes, I will
actually say that to you.
I honestly can’t convey
how intensely sorry
I feel that all these
words will soon
be coming out of
my mouth, but
you have been
warned. I’m
really, really
sorry.
Bear with me…
I