THE RUNNING MANN
C o l u m n
‘ Evil clown ’ Olive Henning kept us entertained on the uphill
A detailed route profile as told in mime ...
The route map is full of panhandles
The Hills Await …
We set off at exactly 6am , and the starting cannon fired a few seconds later … which gave everyone who was still a little drowsy a good jump-start . ( I think they missed a trick and should have fired a clown out of a cannon , but that ’ s just me .) Above is a detailed route description , but for those not fluent in mime , please read on …
The route comprises a number of panhandles ( with the pan included ). The first 5km starts your first pan before crossing the Henley on Klip River over a 10km out-andback stretch due east . You then complete the pan with another 6km to the halfway mark which is back at the finish . It seems that this routing caused a high dropout rate , as many marathoners called it a day here , but they missed out on all the fun .
Hanging with the Clowns
The race is organised by Meyerton AC , whose members provided the ‘ shudder of clowns ’ marshalling along the route . ( Sidenote : One of the accepted collective nouns for a group of clowns is a shudder , but you could also use alley , pratfall , harlequinade , circus or bunch .) I particularly enjoyed an interaction with an evil clown strategically positioned halfway up the Cross Road Hill … Evil Clown Marshal : You ’ re looking good . Random Runner : How do you lie with a straight face ? Evil Clown Marshal : I ’ m a politician ! Me : There ’ s the proof that all politicians are clowns … but not all clowns are politicians .
The attention to detail from Meyerton AC was impressive . An example is the clown poking his head around the race numbers . Although I missed the Stephen King homage on the way out , I was clearly feeling a lot more drained on the way home when I spotted the Pennywise effigy emerging from the sewer . ( Sidenote : Pennywise is the evil , drain-dwelling clown character in Stephen King ’ s 1986 horror novel , It , which has subsequently been developed into films and a TV series .)
Enjoying the cool weather and flat terrain over the first half
Watch your step or Pennywise will get you !
Images : Stuart Mann
The first half is flat and easy , and provided nice cool running conditions . However , the second half is full of banana peels and pie tossing . There are three hills on the second half , the first of which was named ‘ Heartbreak Hill ’ by local cyclists . It is a steady 80m elevated pull over 4km . When considering hill names , one should bear in mind that cyclists are ( apparently ) wimps . It ’ s actually not that bad – if the hill was originally named by runners , it would be called ‘ Heartrate Mildly Elevated Hill .’
The second hill is up the appropriately named Cross Road – and some ‘ anger management ’ was required up this short , sharp 2km stretch with a 50m ascent . Once again , it is appropriate to compare the average cyclists ’ tormented description whilst pedalling up Cross Hill – which is ‘@#$% ing livid ’ – to that of the average runner plodding to the top – which would be a more sedate ‘ mildly irritated .’ The third hill , a 3.5km gentle rise to the 36km mark , does not even have a name , but ( ironically ) I found this one to be the toughest , not because of the elevation , but because of the hectic camber in the road – no doubt caused by heavy cyclists . In homage to the most famous hobo clown of all time , I would propose calling this treacherous stretch of slanted tarmac the ‘ Charlie Chap-lean Hill .’
It ’ s also good to know that this is one of the cheapest marathons in Gauteng . I mean , the ‘ pennywise ’ could enter for just R300 ( and get a shirt and a goody bag ), and then ‘ poundfoolish ’ pavements for 42.2km ! ( See what I did there ?) As a sidenote , it is unlikely that any evil , drain-dwelling clowns could survive in South Africa – if the rats don ’ t get them , the raw sewage will ! Furthermore , whilst Pennywise gets most of the attention , I expect that Ronald McDonald is the clown with the highest kill count . In a related note , there is plenty of A-grade beef to admire along this route ( although McDonalds burgers contain very little beef , and none of it is A-grade ).
Every circus needs a ringmaster and Roland ‘ McDoland ’ Du Plessis was the perfect man for the race director ’ s job . According to his clubmates , Roland refused to break character before or after the event , and has been preparing for this role his whole life . Roland told me , “ The goal was to keep it as fun as possible , and the whole theme is built around this .” However , sometimes the joke is on the clowns , as the organisers had not picked up that Olympic marathoner Cian Oldknow was amongst the entrants , and when Roland spotted her on the start line and messaged the rest of the club , they thought he was trying to make a practical joke . ( She was not clowning around , and won the women ’ s race in 2:43:38 .)
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