Mental Wellbeing
Friends Forever ? By Paula Quinsee
Friendships can be for a season , or a lifetime . Going through a friendship break-up can be as equally traumatic as a romantic relationship break-up and hard to get over .
Friendships play a key role throughout our lives . They provide a support structure , in that it ’ s the people we turn to when we are going through a tough time , or when we are wanting to celebrate something good in our lives . It ’ s the people we spend time with , create memories with , and confide our deepest secrets to .
There are a few people that are lucky enough to have been friends from kindergarten days , through school , university , getting married , having children , career and life transitions to name a few – sharing a decade of memories together . So how do you know your relationship will stand the test of time ? These five signs could point to your friendship being built to last :
• You can tell them anything and they will not judge you for it – rather , they hold the space for you to feel safe enough to share with them and be completely vulnerable .
• You know your thoughts , feelings and secrets are safe with them , that you can trust them not to disclose anything you have shared with them to anyone else .
• They are there for you through good and bad , any time day or night , and they don ’ t expect anything back or keep score on how many times they have been there for you . In other words , they are reliable .
• You can pick up with each other no matter where you are in the world , or how much time has passed since you last spoke , as time has no impact on your relationship .
• They bring out the best in you , but they can also call you out on any bad behaviour or choices , because they have your best interests at heart .
Drifting Apart
Whether we want to admit it or not , it can be heart-breaking when a friendship ends . The pain we feel can literally be the same as that of a romantic relationship ending , because you ’ ve spent so much time together , been a part of each other ’ s lives , and shared so many things , that it can literally feel like your arm has been ripped off your body .
Just as we don ’ t think a relationship will end , similarly we don ’ t think a friendship will end . We assume that this is a forever scenario . However , what we don ’ t take into account is that sometimes life happens , people grow , they change , they want different things in life , they go through experiences that shape them , and that ’ s ok . The hardest part of it all is accepting that this person is no longer a part of your life , and to find a way to get closure and move on from it .
Time to Walk Away
So , what are indicators that the friendship has served its season , and it is time to let go ? Sometimes we want our friends to make the decision for us , because we are afraid to and don ’ t want to be seen as the bad person , or we want to try and convince ourselves that it ’ s just a phase we are going through . However , there are some questions you can ask yourself to help gain clarity on the situation , and decide whether it ’ s time to let go :
• You and your friend are detached from each other ’ s lives , and you ’ re just going through the motions , or being polite .
• There is very little engagement , communication or connection between you – everything happens on a superficial level .
• There ’ s no follow-through on any plans you make to get together , or you ’ re always making excuses as to why you can ’ t meet .
• The relationship is one-sided – your needs are not being taken into account .
• You or your friend are using unhealthy avoidance / coping mechanisms such as alcohol , substance abuse , stonewalling , silent treatment , etc .
• You or your friend are non-committal when it comes to conversations , making plans or taking action .
• You have underlying resentment about things that have happened in the past and are not able to forgive and move forward together .
Letting go can be hard , but holding on to something that is no longer serving you can be even harder , not to mention the impact it can have on your mental and emotional wellbeing . Time does heal , so be gentle on yourself should you decide to end a friendship – give yourself time to grieve and heal , while at the same time appreciating the value and role you played in each other ’ s lives .
Paula Quinsee is the founder of Engaged Humans , facilitating connection between men , women and couples . She is a certified Imago Relationship Therapy Educator and Facilitator , NLP Practitioner , PDA Analyst , coach and trainer . She has authored two self-help guides : Embracing Conflict and Embracing No , as is an international speaker , advocate for mental health and activist for gender-based violence . More info at www . engagedhumans . com .
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