Celtic 0 – Motherwell 6
With all the Celtic players arriving by eagle mere
moments before kick-off, things got off to a rocky
start when club captain Scott Brown was immediately
cautioned for bringing a shotgun onto the field.
This led to around 50 minutes of a tense eyeballbased stand-off before the match was abandoned.
Motherwell then went up the park and hammered 6
into Herman Munster’s empty net when it transpired
that James McFadden had disguised himself as
referee Willy Colon. Fortunately Celtic manager John
Lennon saw the funny side, applauding all four teams
off the pitch before inviting everyone back to his flat
to drink mead and discuss the new series of Game Of
Thrones.
Rangers 2 – Sevco 1
In a scene reminiscent of Superman III, the original
Glasgow Rangers finally managed to break free from
their underground prison, returning to the surface
to battle malevolent imposters Sevco. With a nude
Ally McCoist cheering both teams wildly, young-gun
Andy Goram managed to throw the ball straight up
the field into the Sevco net from kick-off gaining the
originals an early advantage. After a defensive strategy
later labelled “negative” by Rangers captain Salmon
Rushdie, that involved bricks, moats, gas-grenades
and a sending off for Iain Pitch-Black, Sevco eventually
succumbed to unrelenting pressure and vanished in
a puff of acrid smoke screaming the words “You have
not seen the last of me!” Much of the stadium was left
confused and partially aroused.
Heart of Midlothian 2 – Cast Of Eastenders 2
Drafted in as last-minute replacements for Inverness
Caledonian Thistle who became lodged in the
stairwell at Debenhams, the Albert Square side put up
a brave fight despite having 2 players dismissed and
2 rendered ineffective by crippling self-doubt. A late
strike from the edge of space by Jambos midfielder
Stain Collieflower salvaged a point in a disappointing
outing for the Edinburgh side, unable to capitalise on
their superior numbers and non-fiction status.
Partick Thistle 27 – St Mirren 9
Not much is known about this match after an 18th
minute fire broke out in Steven Thomson’s hair,
shrouding the pitch in a blanket of thick, funky smoke.
Suffice to say the score suggests too many balls.
Aiden McGeady Aiden McGeady
Aberdeen 3 – Hibernian 1 – Manchester City -3
What should have been an easy three points
for home-side Aberdeen became a tough draw
when Manchester City got lost on the way
to their game at Hull but insisted on playing
anyway. Most of the match was spent hugging
Sergio Aguero whilst Terry Butcher wandered up
and down the sidelines rifling through trackiebottoms for a crumb of anything illegal. No
goals were scored in the 90 minutes, but rather
awarded in retrospect for good behaviour.
Ross County ? - Perth ?
An impressive run of clean sheets for the
Staggies was possibly ended when visitors Perth
Minors maybe stuck two past potential starting
keeper Steve Buscemi. A point deduction looks
likely for both teams however after it transpired
that nobody had gone to the game and the
result could not thus be verified. Perth have since
issued a statement saying they are appealing the
decision at the ]\