SCARLETT SHIFT
IN A SLOW NEWS WEEK
that saw the announcement
of possible Russian plans
to invade Finland and the
UKIP leader somehow
win a debate against a
block of cement with a tie,
word spread like herpes
in a submarine when
one of the world’s most
famous pretend persons
and perfume saleswoman
Scarlett Johansson
announced she was
planning to leave Paris in
favour of getting stuck on
the subway outside Partick.
On the back of her recent
spellbinding and absolute
bat-shit-mental movingpicture triumph, Under The
Skin, Glasgow braced itself
for yet another depressingly
attractive visit.
Here’s how:
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All pubs switching to SodaStream on draft.
All Palestinians moving to Edinburgh.
Nice N Sleazy begins construction of a giant
throne at end of their bar.
City’s buskers avidly learning Tom Waits
covers.
Corinthian opens new wing to accommodate
even more speculative potential rapists than
before.
Increased numbers of batchelors hanging
around in lifts trying to look like Benicio Del
Toro.
Thousands of girls beginning to regret
agreeing to their “free-pass” celebrity list with
partner.
Thick-accented neds in East End growing
increasingly wary of transit vans.
Hipsters practicing expressions of sultry
indifference in attempts at reverse
psychology seduction.
Pefectly normal lips now feeling 10% smaller.
words: kelly hellish