Balancing Act of Dr Dad
Guest Column
Being a good doctor and father doesn ’ t have to be mutually exclusive , as Prof Bruce Robinson , who set up The Fathering Project in 2002 , points out .
It was both unforgettable and very sad , and it happened one evening when I was dining at a restaurant . It was a clear reminder of just how easy it can be for men to be wonderful doctors but less than wonderful parents . I began talking with a woman across the table who , as it turned out , was the daughter of a doctor . He turned out to be someone I ’ d known from my medical student days . In fact , he ’ d been one of my earliest role models .
I remembered him as a kind and compassionate man who was loved by everyone . We all thought of him as a bit of a saint , someone who ’ d be a fantastic person to have as a father . Just as I finished enthusing about his fine qualities and how we always had time for others , his daughter became quite angry . She said , ‘ well he never had time for us !’ She went on to tell me how he put all his energy into his medical practice , neglected the emotional needs of his own children which led them to resent his work as a doctor .
I ’ m sure this man didn ’ t set out with the intention of working too hard and neglecting his children . I think he made three common mistakes that we , as ‘ medical fathers ’ are often prone to make .
Too much work – basically , he didn ’ t know when or how to stop ! It ’ s easy to slip into two seemingly contradictory traps with medicine : a feeling of powerlessness amidst all that complexity and ascribing far greater importance to it than it actually warrants .
So many times I ’ ve heard doctors say , when they ’ re reflecting on their early years in medicine , ‘ I ’ m supposed to be intelligent , so how did I ever let that happen to me ?’
Too much energy – work took just about all he had ! Consequently , there wasn ’ t much left when he got back home . He relied on his wife to meet the needs of the children , and that ’ s something I ’ ve struggled with as well . It ’ s absolutely vital to get home at the end of the day with a bit of ‘ petrol in the tank ’. Interestingly , doctors who engage with their children become more productive , more optimistic and much more likely to rise to the professional challenges inherent in medicine .
Work versus Family – in the end , his work as a doctor was seen by his children as the ‘ enemy ’ in relation to being a good father .
It is possible to make your work a ‘ friend ’ within a family environment . In my book , Fathering from the Fast Lane I talk about ways to make this happen . An example ? Take one of your children to a conference – it ’ s brilliantly successful .
Being a good father makes a difference ! Children of ‘ absent ’ fathers – emotionally and geographically – are more likely to perform poorly both at school and in their personal lives . That ’ s one reason we established the Fathering Project at UWA – to remind fathers that they ’ re vitally important to their own children . They also have a role to play as ‘ father figures ’ to other young people and to pass on things that work well to other men .
www . thefatheringproject . org . �
Tips for Fathers
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