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I don ’ t want to give the impression that everything went smoothly . With the amount of time I spent in the kitchen , and with my lack of experience , there were bound to be mishaps .
And there were .
Like the time I didn ’ t notice a rubber band that had held together a bunch of asparagus got stuck to the bottom of a sheet pan until the pork chops I was roasting on it started to smell like burning rubber . This sent me into a frenzy of Googling combinations of “ pork chops ,” “ rubber ,” “ oven ,” “ OK to eat ?” and poring over online discussion forums . I ate the pork chops , and I lived .
Then there was a time when I thought I smelled a gas leak coming from my oven and , sniffing the air compulsively while I cooked , wondered if the meal I was cooking would be my last . ( As it turns out , there really was a minor problem with my oven and I had it fixed .)
Then there was the time when I became convinced that a piece of yellow silicon from a pair of tongs I was using had broken off into a carrot dish I was preparing , and I spent more than a few minutes eyeing the carrots to see if I could spot the perfectly camouflaged bit of synthetic material before swallowing it .
Beyond these episodes of my one-man “ Anxious Guy Tries Cooking ” show , there were little burns and cuts , and beeping smoke alarms , and broken plates and a minor puncture wound on one of my fingers from a jagged shell of an oyster I was shucking . There was the time when I placed a banana bread in the oven and , about ten minutes in , realized I had forgot to add butter , so I took it out , wrestled it from its pans , tossed it back into the mixing bowl , added the butter and plopped it back into the pan .
But like most other instances in my life , my worst fears never came to pass . I didn ’ t blow up my kitchen or burn Georgina ’ s house down . I didn ’ t accidentally eat any bits of plastic or glass or metal ( as far as I know ). I didn ’ t get food poisoning . I didn ’ t sustain any major knife wounds .
114 RHODE ISLAND MONTHLY l MAY 2021