Manner Issue 17 | Page 59

WELLNESS

THE DIARY OF A sober sister

Michelle O ' Connell shares snippets of her sober adventure

A

little over a year ago , I quit drinking . It has been the single best thing I have done for myself .
As I have so much to say about this particular great adventure to anyone who asks me , Sophie [ Editor-in- Chief ] suggested that I write it down and share it , so here I am , staring at a blank screen , wondering where to begin .
I chose to open that bottle of vino most nights because I could . There were no rules for me , I could do what I wanted when I wanted , so wine became the reward for working hard , or as a treat for a little win that may have happened during the day , or as a consolation to some bad news , blah , blah , blah , the reasons and excuses would go on an on . But this reward scheme was flawed because it was never just one glass , and when one glass turned into two , or three or more , then so many changes took over as a result . Dependency crept up on me stealthily and steadily , giving me nothing and taking everything .
I started to think about stopping quite some time before I actually did , though , which took the form of imposing little rules to myself , you know the usual sort of thing that we all do like , no drinking during the week , only to break those rules as soon as wine o ’ clock came around , for the most pathetic of excuses , like , it ’ s the dog ’ s birthday ! Or , it ’ s the finale of Line of Duty ! I would , of course , tell myself , as I was opening the bottle , that tomorrow is a fresh new day , so what ’ s the harm ?
I think , however , that the reality finally hit me . I had no major “ rock bottom ” I just felt more and more that something was missing , that I didn ’ t ’ t feel authentic ; it was a strange and kind of off-balance feeling . I appeared to be in control to the outside world , an independent business woman with a fantastic family , a loving partner , and the best girlfriends . All of that was and still is true , but there was something not quite right . Something was missing , and it took me about a year of researching , soul searching and looking inward to face the fact that there was no place for alcohol in my life . More than that , it was stopping me from getting on with my life .
" How will I enjoy myself as the new boozefree me ? Will I still be fun ? Will I still have fun ?"
I needed to make a lifestyle change , and that new direction started when I found myself being drawn to a book entitled “ The Sober Diaries ” by Clare Pooley . As I devoured the pages , I thought -this could be my story . It resonated . I then read copious amounts of Quit Lit , including the equally inspiring “ the Unexpected Joy of Being Sober “ by Catherine Gray . She tells her story with such honesty , but more importantly , she delves into the science , the chemical reactions triggered with that very first sip , and all the neurological and physical damaging effects that alcohol causes . I couldn ’ t get enough knowledge , I started listening to podcasts , notably Alcohol Free Life by Janey Lee Grace , and something switched
in my head . Instead of being my friend and comfort , I looked at that chilled glass of Sav Blanc as something to be treated with trepidation and , for me , fear .
That was it for me ; on the 11th February 2021 , I stopped .
That was the easy bit . During those first few weeks , I found that I didn ’ t miss the vino . This was going to be a breeze , right ? Wrong . I quickly discovered it was not the wine I missed but the idea of it . The ritual . The chilled glass that I would pour when starting to cook each night . The lovely feeling of meeting a girlfriend for dinner and enjoying that first drink together , bursting with news and talking at 100 miles an hour . Then there is the whole subject of going to a restaurant for the first time and not being involved in the wine choice . How will I enjoy myself as the new booze-free me ? Will I still be fun ? Will I still have fun ?
Looking back at those first few weeks and months now , I was in a bit of a whirl . I was in a hurry . I wanted to ditch the booze and have this fantastic life like now . But I was breaking a 37-year habit . I soon realised this was going to take time and commitment . This project was a choice , not a challenge to be endured , and I needed to enjoy this ! And you know what ? I have . •
Michelle will be sharing more about her sober adventure in the next issue of Manner www . mannermagazine . co . uk 59