IN THE SPOTLIGHT
“Stay positive and choose your battles.
Every negative interaction with your child
uses up valuable relationship capital”
6. Commit to looking for the needs
behind your child’s behaviour. Your
kid has a reason for whatever he’s
doing that displeases you. It might
not be what you consider a good
reason, but it’s what’s motivating his
behaviour. If yelling at him about
his behaviour were going to change
it, that would have worked already.
Only by addressing the underlying
need do we change a person’s
behaviour. Parents who address kids’
needs pre-emptively by noticing
problem areas (“Hmm….looks like
she wants to choose her own clothes,
even if they don’t match!”) are
rewarded with kids who cooperate.
7. Commit to guidance rather than
punishment. Kids only behave to
please us. When we constantly
criticise and discipline, they harden
their hearts to us. Parents who lead
by loving example, address needs
rather than focusing on misbehaviour,
redirect pre-emptively rather than
punish (“You can throw the ball
outside”), and set limits empathically
(“You’re mad and sad, but we don’t
hit. Let’s use your words to tell your
brother how you feel”) end up with
self-disciplined kids who WANT
to behave.
8. Commit to remembering what’s
important and an attitude of
gratitude. Stay positive and choose
your battles. Every negative interaction
with your child uses up valuable
relationship capital. Focus on what
matters, such as the way your child
treats her siblings. In the larger
scheme of things, her jacket on the
floor may drive you crazy, but it
probably isn’t worth putting your
relationship bank account in the red
over. Be grateful for every single thing
she does that you like, and you’ll find
her doing lots more of those things.
9. Commit to radical self-acceptance
and compassion. Want to feel more
love in your heart? Give it to yourself!
Love is a verb. Yes, love can just
happen – but we only make more
(and feel more) by giving it away.
And we can only give our children
as much love as our own hearts can
hold. Go ahead – stretch your heart.
Every time you feel bad, for any
reason, offer yourself love. You’ll be
amazed how your life transforms.
10. Keep Perspective. Sure, your kids
will make mistakes, and so will you.
There are no perfect parents, no perfect
children, and no perfect families.
But there are families who live in
the embrace of great love, where
everyone thrives. The only way to
create that kind of family is to make
daily choices that take you in that
direction. It’s not magic, just the hard
work of course correction to stay on
the right path. But if you look for it,
you can always find trail marks and
support to beckon you onward to a
more rewarding life. Just keep taking
positive steps. Before you know it,
you’ll find yourself in a whole
new landscape.
About the author
Dr. Laura Markham trained as a
Clinical Psychologist at Columbia
University, but she’s also a mom, so
she understands kids - and parents!
Sh