Go easy
on us men...
By Chris Forrest
Chris Forrest is a South African comedian, husband to
Tabitha Hoy Forrest and father to Caileigh.
As men, we try to be the household
problem solvers. Scary spider? No problem,
I will stomp on it for you. New piece of
furniture? No problem, I will assemble
it for you, with or without instructions.
Leaky tap? I will fix it, and then when it’s
still leaking, I will fix it again, and again,
and again, until eventually you call a
plumber who fixes it properly, but you
get my drift.
When it comes to babies, pregnancy and
child birth however, we’re as useful as a
pork sandwich at a bar mitzvah. We like
to pretend that we know what’s going
on, but we really don’t. (I realise I’m
generalising a bit here, but this applies
to me and most of my friends.)
I blame society. From a young age boys’
toys are guns, Lego and cars; great for
killing, building and driving away when
the plumber comes. Girls’ toys tend to
be dolls, prams and instruction books on
how to torment men in later life. Okay,
I’m not sure about the last one, but they
have to learn somewhere, right? Most
women have had a bit of practice by the
time the stick turns blue. Compared to
me, who was more scared of holding a
new born baby than taking on the Bulls’
front row in a fist fight.... Up until I had
my own, of course.
“ When it comes to babies, pregnancy and
child birth however, we’re as useful as a
pork sandwich at a bar mitzvah.”
We’ll never admit to this, of course, and
in fact if you ask your significant other
right now, he’ll probably deny it. But if
you’re reading this at the MammaMagic
Expo, or are going to visit one, have a
quick look around and you’ll see a lot of
excited and determined looking ladies
subtly dragging around slightly fearful
and confused looking men, attempting
to look like they know what they’re
doing, but really just waiting for the
dreaded moment when they have to pull
out their wallet and pay for whatever
their wife’s heart desires - because the
first lesson we learn is that you don’t
argue with a pregnant woman!
Bag.
za
Most of the experienced professionals in
the industry seem to be aware of this as
well. I noticed this when I first attended
an open day at a birthing clinic something I didn’t know existed, but my
wife seemed to have a list of every single
one within a 40 km radius of our house
memorised.
As we arrived the midwives, doulas
(another profession I was blissfully
unaware existed) and other consultants
largely had two approaches to sell their
services; for the ladies, a well presented
set of facts combined with various
features, advantages and benefits.
What was there for the men? Snacks...
Some with mystery discount vouchers
hidden inside. My wife was torn
between two ladies with whom she felt
the strongest connection, and wanted
to go for follow up interviews. I was torn
between the muffin lady and the one
with chocolate brownies, and wanted to
go for seconds, although I was leaning
toward the muffins because inside was a
20 % off voucher for an epidural.
67
It was on that same day that, upon
meeting a breastfeeding consultant, I
casually remarked “Why do we need a
consultant? Don’t you just put the baby
there and let it suck?” that I realised two
things: firstly, my extreme level of
ignorance, and, secondly, how much
scorn woman have for said ignorance.
It felt like women were literally walking
across the parking lot to give me a
dirty look.
So my point is this; as much as us men
try to put on a brave front and act like
we know what’s going on, in a lot of
cases, we really don’t, and this pregnancy
thing scares us stupid. So whilst it’s not
exactly the easiest time in the world for
the ladies either, go easy on us men,
we’re trying and learning as we go.
You can catch more of Chris’ parenting comedy with his new show: Who’s your daddy? A clueless
dad’s guide to fatherhood, written and performed by Chris Forrest and directed by Beva