The foundation of the family
The day you married your spouse or the day
you moved in with each other as life partners,
you did it with the wish and intention to
be together till death do you part. Nobody
gets married with the view that it won’t last.
Everybody wishes to make it work. Marriage
is hard work and it takes time, attention and
focus to make it work. A high number of
marriages end in divorce. So what can you
do to make sure yours is one of the marriages
and relationships that last forever?
The first step is to make your marital
relationship or life partnership the most
important relationship in your life, as this is
the foundation for your family relationships.
How do you continue to build your
relationship with your partner you have
chosen for life? Love them for who they are,
warts and all, and do not try to change each
other. You will be headed for endless
frustration and resentment if you try to
change one another.
The second step to a strong marriage is to
look at how you make it possible for each
other to do the things you enjoy the most.
In 75% of marriages the wife naturally and
spontaneously takes care of the nurturance,
physical wellbeing and social life of the
family. She looks after the house, pets,
garden, buys the groceries, arranges the
kids’ play dates and remembers the
birthdays of family and friends.
“A caring relationship is built
on the mutual understanding of
compromising”
In these 75% of marriages the husband
naturally and spontaneously takes care of
the safety and security of the family by
providing financial stability through his
career. He pays the bond for the family
home, takes care of the future financial
well-being of the family through his pension
fund or retirement annuities and runs the
family budget.
It does not mean wives don’t contribute
financially to marriages; it means that in
these 75% of marriages the husband makes
it possible for the wife to focus on the areas
of the family’s life she naturally and
spontaneously likes to take care of and the
same goes for the husband. When the wife
takes care of the well-being and nurturance
of the family and kids, it gives the husband
the freedom to focus on what he would
naturally and spontaneously like to focus on.
Be grateful for each other and express your
thankfulness regularly.
About the author:
Ilze Alberts is a psychologist and the founder of
Bella Vida Centre, a family-focused psychology
center. She is well-known as a family expert, a
human behaviour specialist, a leader in her field,
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Step 3 to a strong marriage is to enjoy life
together. Do things together and separately,
giving each other special and focused
time, and make time for yourself and your
interests and priorities. In other words, have
“us time”, “family time” and “me time”. The
moment that your cup runs empty because
you’ve given too much of yourself to others
in your family is when you tend to become
angry, bitter, resentful and even depressed.
Count your blessings in your marriage.
Compare your marriage to your own goals
and wishes for it and guard against comparing
it to that of other people’s. You will never
know what happens behind the closed
doors of those so-called “perfect” marriages.
Everyone wants to be loved
One of the most important steps you can
focus on in building strong family
relationships is to accept each member of
the family for their uniqueness and
individuality. Each person, young and old,
wants to be loved for who they are and
not for what they do.
A mother asked me for advice on how she
should handle her 2-year-old son who is
showing a lot of anger. He often shouts and
hits his 4-month-old baby sister. She also
told me he has started going to a playgroup
3 mornings a week, is sleeping in his big bed
and has started with potty-training.
Now put yourself in the shoes of this 2 year
old and see from his side how many changes
he is busy dealing with. Loving him for who
he is does not mean accepting his anger
and his shouting. Loving him for who he is
means understanding that no 2 year old has
the skills to deal with all these changes – put
him in your heart, don’t resent him.
When you put him in your heart and give
him the message that you care for him,
understand him and are there for him, you
put down more building blocks towards
building a stronger relationship between
the two of you. When you parent from your
heart you become more caring towards your
child and he will feel loved, understood and
cared for.
Build family memories
What do you want your children and
partner to remember about being a part of
the family? What are the special traditions
and rituals you want to create for your family
to build strong relationships and a strong
sense of belonging?
My family is creating beautiful memories
through annual family holidays; outings
on Sundays (our family day); rituals on
birthdays; mother’s day and father’s day; an
end-of-year acknowledgement ceremony
of growth and improvement (we have an
award ceremony where we acknowledge
each family member’s growth and their
areas of improvement and accomplishment);
and family nights of creating “Christmas
beds”, where we put blankets and pillows on
the floor and watch movies together. Create
your own unique family memories through
having your own unique family traditions
and rituals. It becomes the glue that holds
family relationships together strongly.
Take lots of family photos and display them
around the house to surround your family
with &V֖