How do you feel?
“Second mom”
The first consideration is how you
feel about going back? Is it a mixture
of anxiety (leaving your precious
baby with someone else); sadness or
reluctance (maybe you’d rather stay
home); relief (for a few hours per day
you can interact with adults, who are
toilet trained and not demanding
food or a nappy change!); guilt
(“Why do I feel the need to spend
a bit of time away from my baby?”
or “Why is my career still important
to me?”) … or a bit of a mix of the
above? Let me state from the outset:
happy mom, happy baby.
This begins with you feeling as
comfortable as you can be with the
“second mom” you have chosen to
take care of your child while you are
away. As much as you may fear your
baby becoming as happy with this
mom as she is with you, you also
want your baby to be relaxed and
feel secure when you are not around.
It’s a tricky one – you want baby to
feel safe and happy with the
caregiver, but also want to remain
number 1 in your child’s life. This is
one of the tough choices to make
and one you have to make peace
with. Try to see the caregiver as an
extension of you, rather than a
substitute or competition.
Guilt seems to be part of parenting,
especially for moms. Whether you
work from home or not, there is
going to be a time when you feel you
have “let baby down”. Maybe you fell
fast asleep as you were exhausted,
and it took a few minutes to wake
when baby was crying. Maybe you
were in the toilet when they called
for you and you couldn’t get there
immediately. Maybe you are doing
sleep training, which could leave you
feeling guilty about letting baby cry
while he learns to self-soothe. It’s
tough keeping the long-term benefit
of baby sleeping in mind when your
emotions are telling you to pick her
up and comfort her!
It is important to recognise that we
all need to get used to living in an
imperfect world, where we need to
learn frustration tolerance as a life
skill. Of course baby would like you
to be available 24 / 7, but there is a
price. Losing yourself totally is not
healthy for either of you, and think
about how your child will struggle
later in life when they go to school
and no one else is so devoted to them!
Fulfill yourself first
Maybe you like working and enjoy
your career. If you are happiest this
way, you are more likely to spend
good quality time with baby when
you get home. When one part of you
feels fulfilled at work, you are then
better able to fulfil the other part
when at home.
Once you have identified how you are
feeling and processed your emotions,
maybe with the help of your family,
friends or a therapist, you can then
take some practical steps to make the
transition back to work easier.
Something to consider when
choosing this person is whether
they will follow the routine you have
devised, or will they undermine it.
If you have a routine which works,
and which baby is familiar with, it is
important to continue in the same
manner. It also allows you to feel that
you are in control of the situation,
even when you are out.
Babies have their own little
personalities. If your baby is relaxed
with strangers, a short transition is
fine. If your baby takes some time to
become familiar with new people,
introduce the carer slowly and at a
consistent time over a few days. For
example, you could let her do one
feed and change while you are in the
room, then with you out of the room,
so that baby can see you will be back.
When you officially go back to work,
have a consistent routine of saying
goodbye and of greeting your baby.
Familiarity, consistency and routine
leads to trust and security.
Plan your journey. It will have been a
while since you made the trip during
peak hour traffic, or on specific roads,
so take this into account. If it’s a long
drive an audio book or a CD you
enjoy will turn the commute time
into a lovely breathing space for you.
Get dressed for success
A newborn’s mom may often end up
not getting dressed until 16:00 on
most days, if at all, so remember your
work persona has a different way of
dressing and accessorising. It could
be quite pleasant to dress up a little
more, again, and remember you may
not be back at your pre-baby shape
so plan a few outfits that you feel
good in for the first week or 2. (Even
if you are back to your pre-baby
weight, it may take longer to regain
some of the shape