For a while I was falling, all heavy and bloated.
With a splash, I landed, and I lay there and floated.
There was no pain, but I wasn’t dead…
And with chemicals swimming around in my head,
I drifted and drifted, right out to sea,
staring up at the clouds, which appeared to be-
shaped like an arrow that pointed west…
There were more clouds, but I don’t remember the rest.
I had floated right up to a strange looking land,
where a two headed woman stretched out her hand,
and as hard as I paddled away from the shore-
I could not escape this grotesque looking whore.
From the water she plucked me, ‘You’re a slippery brute…
Now do come along and we’ll all have some fruit.’
She dragged me ashore; the sand was all red,
warm and comfy, like I was in bed.
Then on the head with a boulder, she did give me a clout…
All was darkness. I’d completely blacked out,
‘cause the next thing I knew, I was sat at a table,
with forty-eight women, each one named ‘Mabel.’
Some had two heads. Some had three…
Some had a fourth… kind of looked like me!
‘WHAT THE HELL’S GOING ON?’ I yelled in a rage.
Said one of the women, ‘That all comes with age.’
‘What on earth do mean?’ I lowered my voice.
Roared a freak at my back, ‘TO THE FRUIT, LET’S REJOICE!’
I was dragged to a room and stopped raising a tiff,
when a giant banana passed me a spliff.
It was huge, fat, and the smoke was bright blue.
I tried to pass it; they said, ‘No! That’s for you!’
My face turned green as I puffed a large drag.
There came a brown toothed grin from the two headed hag…
And even though it was far from nice,
I smoked to the roach, because drugs are my vice.
Next came the fruit, which was mouldy and rotten;
I shuddered to think from where it was gotten.
Then, the banana, who had skinned up again…
I said, ‘No… I don’t want it!’ but my cries were in vain;
‘cause no-one who cared was there to hear,
and as I sobbed and I whined, the fruit platter drew near.
‘Eat!’ they cried, ‘This is wonderful stuff.’
‘Not likely,’ I said and I drew a large puff.
In an instant, I found, that this was a mistake;
my legs wobbled, twitched, and I thought they might break.
I rocked and I swayed as my vision went blurry;
my mouth was parched and my tongue felt furry.
‘He’s gonna whitey!’ one woman sneered.
I went 10 different colours as the rotting fruit neared.
‘You can’t get away; YOU HAVE TO EAT!’
‘BOLLOCKS!’ I screamed, and I was away on my feet.
For hours I had ran; feet now covered in sores,
but right on my heel, was the banana and whores.
‘Eat!’ they chanted, as they chased.
‘NO!’ I screamed, and I turned and faced.
Came a screech at my feet as they spun on the ground…
Confusion then, as I turned around-
and I saw my tormentors were no-longer there,
just a giggling sprite, with bright ginger hair.
I asked, ‘You any idea where they’ve gone?’
He just laughed and applauded, then he gave me a scone.
He said, ‘I know I look dodgy, but have no doubt-
that that scone is best thing to sort you out.’
I nodded to him… he returned a smile.
I studied him carefully, for a little while.
Then slowly, cautious, I took my first bite;
I said nothing, but it really did taste like shite.
Then, all of a sudden, I felt really great;
my thoughts and my vision cleared as I ate.
Then came the jeer, ‘You’re a silly brute!’
And I looked to the scone, and I saw rotten fruit.
I spat and I shouted, ‘WHY DID YOU DO THAT?’
He just laughed and stood up with cricket bat.
Then he asked, ‘You’re aware that we’re actually dead?’
And jumped and swung the bat at my head.