LAST WORD
On Double-Speak
Ochieng had seen the five missed calls from Joakim , his former workmate and wondered if there was a problem ; it was after all a Sunday afternoon . He was just picking his phone to call when a WhatsApp message came in and it was from Joakim .
Joakim explained in the message that he had been trying to reach Ochieng to request if he could add him as a member of a committee he was setting up since he had decided to quit the bachelor ’ s club and was trying his hand at married bliss .
Ochieng knew Joakim ’ s girlfriend , Elsie and liked her . She was a feisty fun loving girl who was always the life of a party . He thought the two would make a wonderful couple and establish a happy home so he was more than willing to journey with his friend through the betrothal protocols .
Joakim had proposed the names of fifteen people , most of whom Ochieng knew and he suggested that the team meet on the following Wednesday at a joint that they frequented to formally launch the committee and to strategize on the journey forward .
The committee met up as scheduled , duly masked , sanitized and in observance of social distancing as that is the new health protocol that people follow that we now call the new normal . But the events that followed made this unnatural meeting seem very insane .
The first was when Joakim , after presiding over the introductions , summoned one of two ladies who were sitting at a corner in the restaurant . The lady demurely unmasked to be introduced to the committee as Joakim ’ s intended . It was not Elsie .
When Ochieng later enquired about this turn of events Joakim calmly informed him that Elsie was not wife material . Apparently Kenyan men do not marry the women that they have fun with . Could this explain the prevalence of many unhappy marriages and the huge number of single mothers ?
The second happened when two weeks later we accompanied Joakim to the ladies parent ’ s home on the outskirts of Nairobi to formally declare his interest . The party was very well received and it was apparent that a great deal went into making the day a success .
An affable uncle welcomed the party and informed us that the family was a Christian home and modern and as such they believed in matrimony as intended in the bible and emphasize that their daughter was not for sale but hoped she would make a suitable companion for Joakim .
Needless to say the party left that meeting elated and feeling blessed that their prospects were not only looking up but also on the right track . It was agreed that the party would return in a month ’ s time with Joakim ’ s parents to finalize the arrangements and obligations .
In the next meeting the partly was equally well received and the first sign that all was not well in paradise was when the elders had retired to a room to hammer out the final details of the engagement and Joakim ’ s uncle came out of the meeting and strode to where Joakim was standing with Ochieng .
He looked upset and we soon saw why . In his hand was a typed list of the demands that Joakim was to fulfill before consent to the marriage . What was written there was what we would only describe as a queen ’ s ransom . The figures were preposterous .
Is it in the Kenyan DNA to con ? Why are scams the diet we are fed on a daily basis ? Why is it that every flashy young man is moving around looking for the deal and in in Kenyan-Speak a deal is a fraudulent scheme designed to make lots of money quickly aka theft style .
By now the other committee members had gathered around the angry uncle who was berating Joakim as a young gullible colt that had been fattened for the slaughter , the uncle told them that what was so insulting was the fact that the girl ’ s people spoke in their language with a Swahili translator .
Joakim ’ s uncle was sure that everyone in the meeting spoke and understood Swahili or English but they did not wish to afford comfort to the visitors
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