But then, she would pull him back. Essie was the first best friend he had every had. If Damien lost Essie, he would have no one.
But then, she stopped pleading for forgiveness. Promises to change turned into “Why do you keep trying to change me” and “Don't you every just get tired of being the good boy?” But he would not get tired of being the good boy or trying to change her. And Damien told her. She ran out of his car blinking furiously, ponytail flying.
“The gun slipped on Emily's temple, and he suddenly knew that if she killed herself, he would die. Maybe not immediately, maybe not with the same blinding pain, but it would happen. You couldn't live long without a heart.”
Jodi Piccoult, The Pact
She did not leave a note. Essie never liked to share she feelings; Damien was not surprised. But even without a note, Damien knew why. He had killed her.
Damien skipped the funeral. The grieving teen could not sit in the church and not feel like an imposter.
But that did not stop the guilt. It was impossible to eat, his stomach turning at the mere sight of food. Attempts at sleep were useless. Every time he let his eyelids drop he saw Essie, blinking furiously, trying to to cry. When ever the room would go silent, he heard her voice in his ear, a cocky whisper, asking if he was happy now that he was free. He had to see Essie.
“We all want to know what went wrong, even when there isn't really an answer to that question.”
Jodi Piccoult, Tenth Circle
As Damien took each step closer to Essie, he began to second guess himself. He wanted answers. That was for sure. But, did he really think this was the way to get them? As the gravestone entered his line of vision he realized how foolish he had been. What could a piece of concrete tell him that he did not already know. He knew Essie was dead. He knew she was a beloved daughter, sister, and friend. But yet he continued to take another and yet another step until he was standing before the stone, rereading the same phrase.