As I sobbed in the bathroom I wondered what life would be like without Sister Elizabeth. Life would be horrid, I would be an empty shell. Later, Sister Elizabeth found me and explained that she would be happy if she took her vows. I don’t want to rid someone of their happiness, but I don’t want to deprive myself of my own. Sister Elizabeth said if I cared about her I would be happy for her and that I must be strong now. She said that I have to become independent at some point. I stuttered a little bit and I said “I’m happy for you, but at the same time I am sad for myself”. I asked her “will I ever see you again if you leave?” She said you can write letters to me. She pulled out a small jewelry box from her pocket. She said that it was the most precious thing that she owns, since nuns are not allowed to own anything. She hugged me and said that she was wrong, that I was the most precious thing in her life. I hope she is happy and will be happy with her life. She is leaving a week from now. She seems very nervous. I am not sure anymore if this is what she wants, but she keeps on insisting that she is happy with the decision that she has made. All I can really do is wish her luck and hope for the best. She has given me some of her old stuff, since she will no longer be needing it, but she is giving the rest of it to the poor. I have been crying a lot inside. I feel like all my tears have been sucked in and out of existence, like when lawn chairs are sucked up by tornadoes. She is going to leave today. She’s decided to take me out for the day. She is taking me to a local toy parlor. She said I could pick anything I wanted, I picked out a dollhouse. Lately she has been spoiling me, I wish I could get her a gift, but I do not have any money and nuns are not allowed to own anything anyway. Later, I waved goodbye to her as she walked down the stairs. My eyes filled with tears, soon I will have an ocean of tears. I used to think that nothing was more salty than the ocean, but I was wrong. Sadness is the most saltiest thing.
Three months later.
When Sister Elizabeth first left, I convinced myself to be strong, but I gave up on it three weeks in. I stopped eating for days, I constantly wet the bed, and constantly had punishments. I never thought anything was more painful than polio and losing my family, but I was wrong. This is the most painful thing anyone can ever feel. I don’t know if I feel more hurt when my parents abandoned me or when Sister Elizabeth left to take her vows, or if all of this is just a big scar. I haven't written in awhile, but now I have to. I guess I’m sort of happier now that I have heard from Sister Elizabeth, she says she is now in a country called Canada. She is currently living in a residential school for the Indian children. I wonder what it’s like to be teaching children. It must be wonderful teaching all of those children, that's what I think, but Sister Elizabeth says that it is a harsh life. She says the residential schools are a wretched place. But I wonder what she means by “wretched place.” I guess life is kind of wretched when your in the middle of the Depression. I would like to be with Sister Elizabeth no matter how wretched the place was, at least I would be with someone that I loved.