9
I left him after reconciling with my parents, to much applause and praise for being strong enough to go in “on my own”. I re enrolled in school, spent time with my parents, and by all accounts was back on track. That is, until I began to crave my “freedom” and another man came along, with another place to live. Another monogamous exchange of currency.
And this one, I married.
Since the age of 14, I’ve always had an older man in my life that’s wanted to both fuck me, and guide my path. They’ve all given me the same message; that I’m “a special kind of girl” and that, for being so special, I deserve their wisdom, and their genitals. And even while educating myself, even while traveling this country and abroad, meeting all kinds of people and learning all that I can, I have always subconsciously practiced that if this “independence thing” doesn’t work out, there’s always that old standby. I taught myself that independence was finding one man, pledging loyalty to that man, and loving, building, and being with him in exchange for basic needs being met; That the idea of loving to love instead of loving in order to live was too risky, maybe even selfish, for me.
It’s said that beauty in youth is an accident and, as I stare 30 square in the face, I am inclined to agree. I’ve never been a small woman and my confidence in myself is fairly new found. Still, somehow, I’ve never struggled with romantic loneliness. I know this is not something that I will experience forever. Men are probably not going to be sliding to the front of the line to pay for my groceries at 45. Not that 45 is not sexy, but I know myself. I know my relationship with donuts. I do my best to maintain “can fit in an airplane seat” as far as my size, and I won’t lie to myself about aging. Because I wonder; What will my currency be? Who will I be when I can no longer smize my way out of my problems? What am I actually learning and taking from life as I age?
I’ve been so focused on coupling. I’ve neglected to begin to live.
In a perfect world, I never would have left University because of the concerns of those around me. I would not have let my family finding my stash of vibrators in my dorm room deter me from being away at school. I would not have let a man convince me to leave school to let him take care of me on the other side of the country. I never would have agreed to marry the next man who promised to take care of me. I would not have feared rejecting the offers of stability and family in exchange for my presence. I would know that there’s nothing wrong with being the star of the show and letting extras come and go as they may. Not every walk on needs a solo and a monologue.