Love Sleep Report Final 2020 Love Sleep Report FINAL | Page 4

mind the
intimacy gap
Ranking as the third most important
component of a successful relationship by our
respondents (behind communicating with each
other and providing mutual emotional support),
physical intimacy was prioritised over more
practical considerations such as shared interests,
financial support and even everyday gestures
such as loving messages.
And whilst 70% of Brits judge the quality of
sex, they do engage in to be above average
(good or excel-
lent), they feel
FOR MOST UK
there is room
COUPLES (72%)
SEXUAL ACTIVITY TAKES for
improvement
PLACE AT LEAST ONCE
– with the top
A MONTH, WITH LESS
three priorities
THAN HALF OF US
being more
(49%) GETTING DOWN frequency,
TO IT AT LEAST ONCE more variety
A WEEK
and more
foreplay.
In fact, there is a distinct gap between the
amount of sex we are having vs. the amount we
would like. Over a third of us (36%) would like
to engage in sexual activity with our partner
several times a week; but as it stands, only 1 in 5
(21%) are achieving this ambition.
We sat down with leading Psychosexual
therapist Kate Moyle to discuss what a ‘normal’
level of intimacy was, what can happen if our
needs aren’t met and just how common this is…
Is there a classification
of a ‘normal / standard’
sexual relationship?
There is no normal classification: it’s much
more about finding ‘your normal’. The data
from three successive waves of the British
National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and
Lifestyles carried out in 1991, 2001 and 2012
identifies that people are having less sex than
they used to. This is in line with current
publications such as the ‘Sex Recession’ edition
of The Atlantic that came out last year, which
really caused a stir. What is evident is that
people are reporting having less sex than they
used to – and there is a bank of research to
suggest this – but if this is problematic for
people or not is up to them.
Is there an average
amount of time that
you recommend or
have noted couples
invest in intimacy?
meet
Kate
Moyle
CORST accredited psychosexual and
relationship therapist Kate Moyle specialises
in working with couples and individuals to
overcome difficulties with their sex lives, with
the ultimate aim of helping people get to
a place of relationship and sexual health,
happiness and wellbeing.
There is no prescription or ‘right’ amount
of time for a couple to invest in intimacy. It’s
about finding a happy medium that works for
both parties. The most common understanding
is that couples are rarely perfectly matched in
terms of sexual desire and wants: their needs
are different and so it’s about the negotiation
between them.
What happens if there is
a breakdown in our
physical relationships
or they stop meeting
our expectations?
What happens when couples don’t prioritise or
make time or space for sex is that anxiety tends
to build up around it, and the impact of a lack
of intimacy is not just about the couple.
How common is it for
people to experience
difficulties in this area? For individuals, it can knock their self-esteem
or confidence. Particularly if there is a lack
of communication between the couple, as, in
my experience, they use their imagination
and assumptions to fill the gap where
communication should be, jumping to the
worst case scenario: ‘it must be about me’.
Difficulties in our sexual and intimate lives and
relationships are much more common than we
think, and this is simply because we don’t know
how to talk about them when they happen. As
a society we don’t know (or learn) how to talk
openly about sex. A resulting decline of confidence can impact on
sexual functioning for some, but more
commonly it starts to create more distance
between partners – and the greater distance,
the harder to close the gap.