Love a Happy Ending Lifestyle Magazine August 2013 | Page 43

Several times a year, our family and friends get
together friends and sit around a blazing fire with
drinks in hand and music barrelling through the
speakers. Eventually the crowd dissipated, but a
few stalwarts were content to keep the night alive.
We were having a great time when my mother
decided to pack it in and go to bed. She grabbed
her stuff, kissed my father goodnight and asked
something of him while pointing at me. “Are you
going to talk to him?” Staring impassively into the
fire and saying nothing, he nodded his head.
Huh? Talk to me about what!?! Did they find my
pot? Shit. They found my pot. He probably flushed it and is going to tear my ass a new one.
Now I’m going to have to call my guy in the morning and…
Dad: Have you ever seen that movie No Way Out?
Me: No, but I’ve heard of it.
Dad: It’s pretty good. I think you would like it. It’s about a naval officer who investigates a
murder. It has that guy from Hoosiers and Superman…ehh…
Me: Gene Hackman?
Dad: Yeah Gene Hackman. You should check it out.
Me: OK. It sounds like something I would like.
He paused; eyes still fixated on the glowing embers in front of him. I had only seen that
nervousness in him once before.
Dad: You know you can break your dick having sex?
NOTE: Now, I’ve struggled with this story over how to phrase my response to the previous
sentence, and the word “gasp” seems entirely too hollow to describe a bowel-escaping
moment in time.
Dad: Well it’s uncomfortable for me…it’s uncomfortable for your mother…
Me: Wait. What the fuck?
Dad: …so you need to be careful…
Me: Whoa!!! Dad!!! What in the hell does this have to do with Gene Hackman!?!
Spin it however you want, but his segue skills need some serious polish.
As much as I should have wanted to sprint away from the remainder of this life lesson, I
couldn’t take my eyes off of what was unfolding in front of me. For a half an hour, I was
filibustered with an unprecedented level of gruesome detail that I’m not sure I’ll ever forget.
Basically, I learned that my parents had an “incident” during a romantic encounter wherein