Love a Happy Ending Lifestyle Magazine August 2013 | Page 21

RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

When is a marriage REALLY over?
Q. I’m writing this for my brother who would
like your advice on a certain matter but
would never take the initiative to write in. I
hope you can help. My brother is 53 years
old and has been married to the same
woman for 28 years. He is a good, easygoing man with his own business. He has
three grown children (all over 22 and living
on their own).
The problem is that he is miserable with his
wife and has been for many years. I believe
she has a personality disorder that makes
being around her for long periods of time
very difficult. For the last seven or eight
years, they’ve had a non-relationship. By
that, I mean that they live very separate lives
and never do anything together unless it’s a
family get-together or a formal affair they’ve
been invited to, or if their children visit.
These days, they have none of the same
interests, spend time with different friends,
and share no rapport or emotional
connection—and certainly no romance. My
brother often comes over to hang out with
my family or goes to another one of his
close friends on weekends, while she makes
other plans. Even with all of this, he has
never cheated on his wife. He’s just not that
type. If you ask him if he’s happy, he’ll tell
you “of course not, I’m miserable.” But when
I ask why he hasn’t discussed divorce, he
makes an off-the-cuff remark like, “I don’t
want to lose my house and my pool.”
Do you have any words of wisdom you can
share with him? They are beyond marriage
counselling so that’s not an option. I just
don’t want to see him throw the rest of his
life away when he might be able to find a
good relationship and some happiness.
Thanks in advance for your advice.

A. I find it very sad when I hear about
people
in
hopelessly
unhappy
relationships who don’t take action to
better themselves. I know there are
many reasons they stay: some are
financial in nature; others concern the
children. There are also many reticent
individuals who are uncomfortable with
change. But when you strip away all of
the other reasons, one usually remains:
Fear of the Unknown. Something tells me
that as much as your brother loves his home
and his pool, those are not the only things
keeping him in his dead end marriage.
Oftentimes, men don’t leave unhappy
marriages unless they have a woman
waiting in the wings for them. Since your
brother is not the type to do that (and I
compliment him on this!), living on his own is
probably a very daunting prospect after 28
years. As the old adage goes, “Better the
devil you know, than the devil you don’t.” So
now I have a few thoughts I’ll address to
your brother: What if the devil isn’t waiting
for you at the end of your divorce? What if a
really great woman who shares your
interests, enhances your life, and can offer
true friendship and real love is just around
the corner? Do you think so little of yourself
that you’re willing to stay with your wife, your
house, and your pool instead of finding out?
If so, then there’s nothing I can say that will
help you leave, though a good counsellor
might be of use. If not, then it’s time to get
your head in gear and begin to think about
your future.
Suffering should not be an option for
anyone, and 53 is way too young to give up
on love. However, if you continue to let the
years pass and do nothing to bring about
positive change in your life, then you will
have only yourself to blame for your misery.
Do you want to look back on your life and
say I never even tried to find love and
happiness? Divorce isn’t easy, but
sometimes it’s a necessary evil, and there is
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