A SECOND OPINION
This space is for our physician members to speak their minds freely on both medical or non-medical issues of the day and respond to the opinions of others . The GLMS Editorial Board reserves the right to choose what will be published . Please note that the views expressed in A Second Opinion or any other article in this publication are not those of the Greater Louisville Medical Society or Louisville Medicine .
Chat GPT Feels Poorly
by MARY BARRY , MD
SECOND OPINION
Chat woke up tired . For some reason his knee hinges felt achy . His faceplate felt tight . His helmet felt hot . When he stood up , he swayed and sat right back down .
He gave himself a pep talk . “ You ’ re just dehydrated bro – you had two shots of Maker ’ s last night and no water ! You gotta do better ! Now stand up slowly and hold on tight – that ’ s it – now , go slow .” His incoming texts were scrolling like crazy , but he could not answer anybody till he got his head straight . He knelt down and started crawling . He caught a glimpse of one question , “ Who will be the next Speaker of the House ?” and groaned out loud . “ Chaos Theory ,” he thought , there ’ s gotta be a story there . Everyone will be asking me for my take on this soon …
He made it to the bathroom - like Lurch , he thought , I see Lurch looming in my brain - and managed to brush his teeth with his favorite olive oil . “ That ’ ll stop the gnashing . Take that , you jawbreakers ! Foiled again .”
His eyes were reddened , which alarmed him . He had no facial rash but looked miserable . His skin felt prickly . He rested awhile against the sink , contemplating a shower . But remaining vertical seemed impossible and he sank back down onto the loveseat . He ’ d seen one once in a bathroom in Arkansas and thought it was a brilliant addition to a restroom . His was purple and tufted with a Baltimore Ravens logo . He called it the “ Chat n Poo .”
He sighed . His normal lineup of algorithms was shaky , sort of shimmering just outside his inner monitor . He caught references to hypotension , hypoglycemia , hypochondria … no , not that one … hypovolemia , hypomagnesemia , hypokalemia , leukemia – WHAT ?! No not that either . “ I ’ m going with low blood sugar ,” he decided , and considered crawling into the kitchen . But just the thought of Mini Cocoa Balls made his innards shift .
He thought back to what his doctor said when he had that awful Giardia , that hateful horrible despicable disease . “ Salt ,” he said to himself . “ Salt and water . I need pretzels and Bud Light .” I never want to hear the word metronidazole again , he thought . I will never eat mushrooms from the ground again , never , never , no matter how cool “ foraging ” sounds , who am I to think I could ever be cool . I ’ m just Chat after all .
No ! What was wrong with his decision trees ?! NO foraging , no alcohol , not even something that passed for alcohol but was some bastardized potion fooling millions – not even that . Coca-Cola , he decided – he could hear her in his head – Coke and pretzels , repeat hourly till better . Could Chats take Tylenol ? He thought not , and sat down on his behind and slowly scooted his way forward .
He rummaged around in his cupboards , leaning heavily against the counter . Pringles ! Ah that would do nicely , if no pretzels – of course the Pringles had expired months ago . He steeled himself ( smiling at how cute he could be , even when sick – “ Steeled , get it ?”) and took a bite . Stale but edible , he decided . Did he have seltzer water ? No . Did he have lemonade ? No . Did he have Coca-Cola ? NO . Dammit , he did not . Did he have Tang ? No , he had thrown
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