( continued from page 21 ) tween family and grief : you see , the patient was my mother-in-law . I knew from the moment I walked in the room and saw the chest compressions that she would not return to us . I knew but couldn ’ t say . I felt by staying in the ICU room that I might unintentionally say something that could betray the family ’ s hope . So , I went to work . I had three vaginal deliveries and one cesarean section to do that day in the same hospital . I asked my husband if he was okay with me leaving or if he wanted my partners ( who had already offered to help ) to step in and do them . He answered I might as well go , as there was nothing any of us could to do to help her .
I welcomed the reprieve . I used the time walking the halls between units to try to compartmentalize and bury what was happening . I knew I would be called upon again in that ICU room to describe or assess , and doing it while sobbing wasn ’ t going to help . I pushed forward and did each delivery with returns to the ICU between them all .
When my work was done , we talked about what foods she made that we all will miss . We talked about her sailor mouth and how she licked her thumb before she dealt the cards when we played Euchre . We told story after story .
The following morning it was clear to the family that she was being kept alive with machines and that there would be no recovery . My father-in-law started discussing removing the life support . He couldn ’ t make that call alone and asked each of us in the room if we were okay with it . Unanimously , we knew she wouldn ’ t want her current life situation and agreed to make that change . She was extubated and passed an hour and a half later . For a second time in three years , I was asked to see if my family member was still alive after they took their last breath . I know why I ’ m asked to be that person , but as a gynecologist , I don ’ t pronounce people gone . Occasionally , it happens with fetal demise . But , even then , the family can see there is no heartbeat before I even have to say it .
I felt for her pulse and retrieved the nurse for confirmation . We made final plans , and my father-in-law went back to his house with his granddaughter . My husband , his siblings , their spouses and I went to a little hole-in-the-wall bar and had one of her favorite beverages in honor of her . The next two weeks I spent working while the family went through pictures and made plans for her cremation and celebration of life . The celebration came on a Friday . I started that day with a hysterectomy , then a vaginal delivery and followed by assisting with a case with my partner . After the celebration Friday night , I went immediately into a 48-hour call over the weekend . I could have asked to trade . I could have rescheduled patients . Maybe I should have . I ’ m still trying to figure out what to do in my head and my heart in the final reconciliation column . When do I place the double lines and call this done ?
At 54 , I know the grief I ’ ve encountered previously is dealt with over time . A lot of time . I ’ m a processor . I ’ m a controlled processor in most things . I also know that my life is so busy that moving people and surgeries and trading call weekends would be difficult to say the least . As health care providers , most of us don ’ t have jobs that move on without us . They wait for us . The call that is due will wait until I can work it . The patients that need to be seen will be rescheduled and wait for me . My inbox will be waiting for me . In the end , I decided that coming and going the day before her passing was also a way for her family to process and ask their mother ’ s provider questions without my influence .
Two days after the celebration of life was Mother ’ s Day . I am a mother , and I still have a mother that lives nearby . Again , I had to balance both work and family as I was still on call . As I laid awake in bed Saturday night , I wasn ’ t looking forward to how complicated the next day could be and was somewhat feeling sorry for myself . Then , I remembered the man next to me didn ’ t have a mom to see . I turned to him and asked him if he was going to be okay , and if he needed me to do anything for him . He answered quietly that he would be fine and there was nothing I could do to make it better . Sigh . I had a break between rounding and delivering babies and was able to get fresh flowers and a card for my mom and be home for homemade crispy tacos for dinner , my favorite meal . My wonderful husband surprised me with my Mother ’ s Day gift . It was a quick trip together two weeks later to an ocean where we could close our eyes , listen to the waves and let our minds go .
I have no moral to this story . I have no underlying theme that I want a reader to come away with . I just want to be able to say to others that sometimes it is very complicated to walk the line between our family and our job . I want them to know that when they walk that line , they are not the only ones there . If you look ahead on the line and then look behind , you will always see one of us doing the same . In true definition of a line , it goes on forever in both directions .
Dr . Barnsfather is an OB-GYN with Norton Women ’ s Health .
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