1 ) Foundation Regrets – “ If only I had done the work or tried harder .” Because of temporal discounting , we overvalue the “ now ” and discount the future . “ Too much now , too little later ,” stunts our future opportunities .
2 ) Boldness Regrets – “ What ifs ?” We play it safe and regret inaction . “ What would my life be now if I had only taken that risk ?”
3 ) Moral Regrets – make up only 10 % of regrets but ache the most and last the longest . “ If only I had done the right thing .” Stamped in our DNA and buried in our souls is the desire to be good .
4 ) Connection Regrets – what gives our lives meaning and satisfaction are meaningful relationships . Studies repeatedly conclude that long-term family relationships produce greater and more enduring well-being and much fewer downsides than romantic entanglements . When we don ’ t stay connected to people important to us , we feel awkward , and we also fear botching the attempt to re-open that door .
“ We regret foregone opportunities more often than unfulfilled obligations . Yet , we also know that a wholly realized life involves a mix of both dreams and duties .” He describes the “ four regrets ” people feel as a photographic negative of the good life . His theory is , if we know what people regret most , we can reverse that image to reveal what they value most .
He summarizes other published theories about “ coulda and shouda ,” or our “ three selves ” that explain our motivations . Our actual self is the bundle of attributes we currently possess . Our ideal self is the self we believe we could be ( our hopes , wishes and dreams ), and our ought self , or what we should be ( our duties , commitments and responsibilities ). What fuels our behavior and directs our goals is dealing with these discrepancies .
Pink goes on to conclude that opportunities for improvement exist by being more conscious of developing a solid foundation – “ a little boldness . Basic morality . Meaningful connections . The negative emotion of regret reveals the positive path for living .” ( Pg . 150 )
In a final chapter , he discusses “ Anticipating Regret ” which he describes “ as a universal drug , that has a few dangerous side effects .” He recommends projecting yourself into the future – and from that future vantage point , ask yourself which choices help you build your foundation ; take a sensible risk , do the right thing or maintain a meaningful connection . Anticipate these regrets and choose the option that reduces them . He summarizes , “ Regret – that maddening , perplexing and undeniably real emotion – points the way to a life well lived .”
I would recommend this book for yourself , then pass it on to a colleague or family member who seems “ stuck ” in the remorseful feelings of past mistakes and souring emotion of regret . Over a coffee , this book would be a helpful launching point towards discussing a more enlightened and happier existence .
Dr . Wernert is the Executive Medical Director of Norton Medical Group and practices with Norton Behavioral Medicine .
SEARCHING FOR DR . WHO !
Did you take a unique path to get where you are today in medicine ?
What was your journey like through medical school , residency and beyond ?
Do you have an interesting hobby outside the hospital or clinic walls ?
Are you willing to tell your story ? YOUR MEMBERSHIP MATTERS .
We have a diverse community full of physicians with fascinating stories – and we want to highlight them . If you or someone you know would make a great subject for an upcoming Dr . Who profile , please reach out to Kathryn Vance at kathryn . vance @ glms . org .
April 2024 33