FEATURE
aware that I had been standing in the same place on my lawn for about an hour , doing nothing . How strange that you can stand in one spot and never fully appreciate your surroundings . At some point , I began to notice a white paper sticking halfway out of my mailbox , flapping in the wind . I pulled the paper out to take a closer look . It was a hand-made card with a red maple leaf taped to the front . I traced the veins down to the stem and then opened the card :
Doc- sorry to bother you . I live in your neighborhood . I ’ ve seen you walking with your family sometimes . Your staff called to reschedule and told me what happened . I wanted to say I ’ m so sorry for your loss . Please know that you are in my thoughts .
I read the name and could immediately see her in front of me . I imagined catching her in the act of putting this card in my mailbox , but she was already long gone . For the first time in a while , I smiled . I felt like I had been hugged .
The next day at work , there were cards and flowers on my desk . I am sorry for your loss . My condolences . My prayers to you and your family .
I wasn ’ t accustomed to this much attention , but I was grateful that my co-workers cared . It was a nice start to a full schedule .
I braced myself for a tough day . Before seeing every patient , I had to remind myself : Don ’ t cry when they ask how you ’ re doing . Don ’ t embarrass yourself . Patient after patient , I felt my confidence building . I began to wonder if any of them knew .
Sometimes , the last patient of the day is the most memorable . I was wrapping up a conversation with him , and out of the blue , he said , “ Doc , I ’ ve known you for five years . You ’ re definitely a quiet one . I know something is on your mind . Can I ask you something ?”
I nodded , thinking about how much work I had left to do .
“ I heard what happened to your dad . I ’ m so sorry . My dad passed away last year , and it was rough . I hope you don ’ t mind me asking . Can I hug you ? I promise I don ’ t have COVID , and I ’ m not trying to be weird . I think you could use a hug , and it ’ s okay if you don ’ t want one . I just thought I ’ d ask .”
It didn ’ t take me long to consider . The truth is , I needed a hug . It wasn ’ t a very long one , and it wasn ’ t too short either . It was just enough . Just enough time for me to take a deep breath and feel a little better about life , about everything .
I have spent a large part of my life standing in one place , counting on one hand the people I thought were the only ones who loved me . I never appreciated until now how this profession has given me a larger family . I smile every day , knowing I have a great group of patients who care about me as much as I care about them . Although I still sometimes struggle with the thought of losing my family , one thing is very certain : I know I am not alone .
Thank you . Thank you , everyone . Thank you so much .
Dr . Ganesh is a practicing neurologist at Norton Neuroscience Institute ’ s Hussung Family Multiple Sclerosis Center .
This essay was a submission to the 2022 Richard Spear , MD , Memorial Essay Contest .
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