sleep in late , remain distracted all day and nap for two hours in the afternoon . I ’ d pick at my dinner , blankly stare at my screen , and shower for the third time that day . Then I ’ d re-enter my terrifying mindscape of failure - before falling asleep for another nine hours from the exhaustion of simply being alive .
Exams would come and go , and with each one , my fear of failure would grow and grow . I had a good support system of friends who were doing their best to help me study and prepare , but it still felt like I had this unbearable pressure and inadequacy , that I could never overcome what was happening to me . That entire first year , my goal was never to do well or excel , it was to get by , to pass . And I did somehow or another , which is great and something I am very proud of myself for , especially given the secret battles that I was fighting all the time . I had been successful in undergrad , so these feelings of inadequacy and failure were extremely hard to process , and my self-esteem was probably the lowest it ’ s ever been . As a categorical perfectionist , it was maddening to know that I had the ability to do well - but none of the drive .
I had arranged a bunch of plans for the summer to keep myself occupied : volunteering , some light studying to try to get ahead , a hospital internship in infectious disease ( ironic given the current pandemic ). But COVID-19 arrived and all of that got cancelled and I found myself with nothing but free time . Instead of doing all of those things that I thought would get me ahead , I did other things , things that were simple and calming , things that relaxed me . I raised a kitten , I painted outside on my deck , I would read and take hot baths and I would think . Summer gave me time to reflect on the year before , time to process and prioritize my own needs and mental health . I had my moments of mania and panic , but they became less frequent and more manageable .
By the time my second year was ready to start , I felt refreshed and invigorated , completely ready to embrace what was to come . It wasn ’ t like my depression was magically cured . It was like I had been holding my breath all year , and now finally had the chance to gasp in some fresh air . I had time to re-evaluate my own self-image , and it became evident that the voice in my head was a particularly nasty one . Nothing was off limits to her . She ridiculed my appearance , mocked my intelligence and made jokes at my expense to degrade every aspect of the vessel that holds everything I am and everything I want to be . In the past , I would fight the voice , grapple with her and try to ignore her . But all of that was about as helpful as trying to wrestle an octopus . Instead of fighting the voice , I instead tried welcoming her , practicing radical acceptance of my own thoughts and feelings , processing them as a third party would , logically and objectively . Instead of berating myself for even having these thoughts , I was patient . I think that ’ s really all it was . I was patient with myself and began talking to myself like I would my little sister .
TRANSITIONS IN PRACTICE
With kindness and love , with understanding of everything I have already overcome , I listened to myself and talked back , with as much honesty as I could . This radical acceptance was critical , and without it , who knows where I would be today .
Either way , I am here . I am still here , and I am excelling in my classes , and I am passionate about learning and becoming an amazing doctor , who treats herself with the same compassion she treats her patients . My engineering degree taught me a lot . It taught me how to think critically , how to solve problems and how to build something out of pieces that don ’ t seem to matter until you look at all of them laid out in front of you . More than anything , it taught me about picking up the pieces and building something back up , stronger and better : analyzing each broken fragment and seeing it for what it is - not for how it hurt you . Then comes accepting it , and then putting it back together with all of the other fragments , until you are a version of yourself that you are proud of .
Lauren Phillips is a second-year medical student at the University of Louisville School of Medicine with a Bachelor of Science in biomedical engineering from the University of South Carolina .
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