TRANSITIONS IN PRACTICE
GROWING PAINS AUTHOR Lauren Phillips
Before starting medical school , I
thought the transition from undergrad would be simple . I had studied biomedical engineering for four years , and naively , I didn ’ t think that anything could measure up to the pain and grit of an engineering degree . Engineering programs have a way of breaking you down into pieces so they can build you back up into a stronger version of yourself – a version that can think critically and assess problems with a particular eye for detail and analysis . I thought that the version of myself , after graduating from the University of South Carolina with this degree , was one that could tackle any problem and overcome any challenge . And in some ways , I was right . But that doesn ’ t mean it was simple , not by any stretch of the imagination .
One thing that I had neglected to account for was my own mental health , hanging by a thread after years of no free time , no self-care and no time off : I spent years burying it and stuffing it down , so as to not have to deal with it at all . And when I got to medical school , that thread broke , and the rest of the year was spent picking up the pieces of myself and putting myself back together .
Sooner or later , mental illness demands to be seen . Denial was the only way I knew how to deal with it for a very long time , but in high-stress environments , this illness often becomes impossible to ignore . Medical school is a very high-stress environment . It feels like a pressure cooker , and any little thought of self-doubt or negative self-talk will demand to be heard and speak louder than any evidence to the contrary . As it turns out , I had a lot of self-doubt and a lot of negative thoughts about myself . The large amounts of stress and persistent fear of failure amplified these thoughts in my head . Sometimes it felt like there was so much noise that I couldn ’ t even hear myself think .
Around October , I had really started spiraling . I hadn ’ t done well on any exams and was barely passing , but every time I sat down to study , I simply could not make myself do it . I had no motivation and found myself staring blankly at my screen until I decided I ’ d had enough and would pack my things and go home . I started an antidepressant in the hopes that it would ease some of this mental pain , but the transition to the medication just made things worse . I entered a severe depressive episode and would sob myself to sleep , scream at the walls in my head , and grab at my hair until something physical would finally distract me from the immense pain that nobody could see . These spirals were worse at night , so I would
16 LOUISVILLE MEDICINE