so doing , come to believe their bottled-up emotions are powerful . They fear suppressed emotions will erupt with volcanic force , either imploding them or wreaking damage on others .
THE EMOTIONAL PROCLAIMERS
Other people are shaped during childhood into roles in which they exude emotions and display them often and excessively . They like the effects their emotions have on others . They want others to cater to their emotional displays . They send messages of :
» Be upset with my eruptions . » Calm me down . » Indulge me . » Walk on egg shells around me . » Fix my feelings . » Cater to my changeable moods and indulge my next outpouring of feelings .
These people have such a focus on their emotions that when I ask them what they think they tell me what they feel .
Emotionally overflowing people also make poor decisions involving others . They make decisions based on whimsical and ever-changing emotions . They forego reason . Since they are consumed by their emotional demonstrations , they are good at distracting other people and at having attention focused on themselves . Later on in relationships , they exhaust those with whom they associate .
THE TANGO OF EMOTIONS IN RELATIONSHIPS
How do people with disparate and even opposite displays of emotion exist with one another ? This coexistence weaves itself similar to a tango dance . The dance unfolds in perpetually enduring relationship patterns .
Overly emotional people expect the emotionally reserved to cater to their feelings . It is a way to get attention from others . It is a way to be loud but behaviorally inert . The emotionally reserved at first admire the emotional outpourings of others . Only later , after many attempts to calm them or satisfy them , are they worn down and exhausted .
Why do they admire the emotionally bombastic when they are emotionally reticent and reserved themselves ? Their admiration is based on wishing they could demonstrate such lavish displays of their own feelings . “ I wish I could be like that ,” they say . They also enjoy the thrill and challenge of trying to tame the unmanageably emotionally extravagant .
As these patterns endure in relationships , the demonstrative person is increasingly emotional with louder displays . The mesmerized , reserved person loves indulging them until they reach exhaustion . They continue to keep a tight lid on their own emotions . Both people are made worse by their interpersonal tango , which ill serves each of them .
SOCIETAL PATTERNS
MENTAL HEALTH
The same interpersonal emotional patterns happen in larger society . We admire the plethora of emotions in the public arena . We glue ourselves to television and social media to ooh and aah , admire or denigrate . We seek out emotional people for entertainment . Holding these people in the limelight fuels those who enjoy exuding their feelings . They escalate . They grow their audience . The squeaky wheel gets the oil , and the ratings .
Emotionally reserved people shun being on center stage . They gladly throw attention to those who want it . One group does not exist without the other .
Both the emotionally quiescent and the effusive may use quickfix methods to open up and dampen down their feelings . They improperly use prescription medications , alcohol or illicit drugs . Such use is prevalent and creates both physical and emotional health problems for users , their families and work colleagues .
I find the best treatment lies in psychodynamic psychotherapy . In this treatment people can discover how they acquired their emotional templates in childhood of being emotionally excessive or restrained . They can ascertain how to make changes in their patterns .
HOW TO ESCAPE THE EMOTIONAL STRANGLEHOLD
Both over-emoting and under-emoting people are oppressed . We should become aware of the dance and look at ourselves deeply enough to cease the imperiousness brought on by feelings . It can be done .
Overly emotional people can grasp how to use thinking instead of displaying feelings all the time . They can access rational thoughts instead of deciding and manipulating with emotions .
The reluctantly emotional can learn to identify and use their emotions to inform them of what goes on inside them and in their relationships . They , too , can discover how to make rational interpersonal decisions and not be swayed by the emotions of others . They may discover there is a time and place for them to kick up a fuss , shout for joy , or be the center of attention .
We do better in life when emotions inform our thoughts , behaviors and interactions with others , not when they dominate us .
SUGGESTED READING
Lisa Feldman Barrett , PhD , How Emotions Are Made : The Secret Life of the Brain , Mariner Books , 2018 .
Homer B . Martin , MD and Christine B . L . Adams , MD , Living on Automatic : How Emotional Conditioning Shapes Our Lives and Relationships , Praeger , 2018 .
Christine B . L . Adams , MD , is an author and recently retired child and adult psychiatrist . She hosts a blog at PsychologyToday . com , “ Living on Automatic –– Emotions Override Thinking Every Time .” Visit her website at DoctorChristineAdams . com .
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