FEATURE
any capacity. This hit me like a punch in the stomach, and as much
as I tried to ignore it, to chalk it up to fatigue and the demands of
training, I knew in my heart I was in the wrong field. The weight
of my educational debt suddenly got a lot heavier. Even worse, I
began to feel that I did not belong in medicine at all. I spent many
sleepless nights in turmoil: Should I ride it out and see if practice
would beat training? Should I switch specialties altogether? I had
been thinking about several during my senior year.
Or, should I just quit medicine entirely? This last thought was
the most distressing. I started questioning everything about myself
and trying to figure out who I would be without medicine. I had
always imagined myself as a doctor, and it was utterly overwhelming
to think that maybe I simply did not belong. I spent a great deal of
time talking to friends and colleagues, soul-searching and weighing
my options. Ultimately, I switched specialties. Looking back, this
was absolutely the right decision; my colleagues and peers were
supportive. After a period of time and some distance from the
situation, I realized what that indescribable, unmeasurable thing
I had sacrificed to become a physician had been: It was a part of
my identity.
Trying to reconcile whom I would be, how I would see myself
and how others would view me if I were to leave medicine was
incredibly difficult. Even on my most challenging and frustrating
days, I could not imagine separating myself from this career per-
manently. Other choices might have brought me equal satisfaction
and perhaps fewer headaches than medicine; however, I don’t think
I could erase “physician” as part of my identity, and I would not
want to. For better or for worse, this career has become a part of
who I am, and I doubt I am alone in this perception.
I am now settled in my new residency and can honestly say I love
what I do. It is exhilarating to have found my niche in medicine,
and I have now gained a deeper understanding of the sacrifices
I have made and why I made them. Becoming a physician is so
much more than the price, time or effort we put in. It becomes a
part of who we are and takes a piece of our identity. This sacrifice
is deeply personal and comes with the many years, late nights and
the struggles and triumphs we face throughout our careers. And,
although we give this piece of ourselves away, in return we receive
the trust placed in us by our patients, the privilege of learning the
intricacies of life, the satisfaction of helping others, and the unique
bond we share with all who have chosen this path.
Dr. Breaux is a second year resident in pathology at University of Lou-
isville.
This essay was a finalist in our 2018 Richard Spear, MD, Memorial Essay
Contest.
BURNED
OUT?
Take Care of Your Patients By Taking Care of Yourself
The Physician Wellness Program (PWP) was designed as a safe harbor for
physicians to address normal life difficulties and physician burnout in a
confidential and professional environment.
»
»
»
Free Confidential Counseling
for Active Members
Expedient Service
No Insurance Billed
Counseling Services Provided by
Raskin & Associates
7400 New LaGrange Road
Suite 312
Louisville KY 40222
Call 502.394.9990
to set up your confidential
appointment
*GLMS covers the cost of up to 4 office visits during
your professional career as an active member.
SEPTEMBER 2018
29