FEATURE
wish I could say that I am a confident and reassured person, but I
am not. I’m always scared that one day this train of event after event
will stop because I have failed.
And I know that failure happens.
And I know that no one wants their doctor to be afraid.
And I know that you are more likely to succeed if you believe
you will.
I know, okay?
But how can I help that every day, with every new milestone, I
become more afraid to fail? Right now, I’m five years into this pro-
cess, living in a different city than my family, and I have a seemingly
useless bachelor’s degree that will never pay off all of this debt if
I don’t get through medical school. Quitting isn’t an option, and
neither is failure.
You know, this backpack is really starting to get heavy. These
small weights are adding up and I’m starting to sweat as I walk up the
hill, and I can’t even see the top yet. I want to reach out to a friend
for help, but now they live too far away, they work nine to five and
party on the weekends, they are getting married and having kids.
There are a lot of other people beside me carrying backpacks,
but I can’t tell them how full mine is because their loads are equally
as heavy. Some have even bigger bags than me. We walk up our hill
quietly because doctors have to be calm and confident at all times.
If we happen to feel like our world is spinning out of control, we
should not say anything to the people at the top of the hill. They
might push us back down or tell us that we don’t deserve to be
standing at the summit with them.
Sometimes I have to remind myself why I ever wanted this in
the first place. Sometimes I can’t get out of bed. I can never sleep
at night. My chest physically hurts because I miss my family. I feel
that my own body is wearing down so that I can one day give life
to someone else’s.
Sometimes I’m just… sad.
But sometimes isn’t all the time. When I go to Norton Children’s
Hospital in my free time to play, the backpack feels lighter. When I
turn to someone else who is walking up the hill and we exchange a
knowing look, I forget I’m carrying any weights at all. When I have
made a difference to someone, it is easier for me to sleep.
Someday, just when my backpack is about to overflow, I will
reach the top of the hill. Right now, though, I simply need to hold
onto the notion that the view will be spectacular.
Megan Pennell is a Medical Student at the University of Louisville,
Class of 2021.
APRIL 2019
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