REFLECTIONS
Reflections ON GENTEEL BEHAVIOR
Teresita Bacani-Oropilla, MD
A
distinguished looking elderly gentleman sat quietly thinking in the waiting room of a doctor’ s office. He once was a physician specialist himself. He received referrals from his colleagues and taught at medical school. How times have changed since then. His reverie was interrupted by a staff member calling loudly,“ John? John Doe?!” Suddenly alert, he stood up and followed the caller to the corridor leading to his doctor’ s office.
Three kids in their tweens knocked and entered the home of their friend, obviously a pre-set date to study or play. One headed for the kitchen refrigerator and helped himself to a Coke. When the mother of the house came down, she was not greeted with“ Excuse me, ma’ am, I was helping myself to your coke,” but by a quick“ Hi!” before looking for his friends in the den.
Johnny-come-lately( the past 50 years) immigrants from other countries, who have integrated and become citizens, raised their children here and are living the good life as contributing members of society. They invariably invite family and friends from their original homes for important anniversaries, weddings and reunions. Their visitors invariably comment or are confused by the informality and seeming lack of respect their younger kin have acquired. In their native countries, the Philippines as an example, people are still addressed by their titles: Mr., Sir, Mrs., Doc, Atty. and Engr. Older blood relatives are addressed by their proper designation, the equivalents of grandpa, grandma, uncle, aunt. Friends of parents with no particular title are likewise respectfully called generic Auntie and Uncle, leading a child of five to ask,“ Why do I have so many uncles and aunts?”
Older siblings have designated titles as well. Manong, Kuya, for
older brother. Manang, Ate, for older sister. This creates a hierarchy of respect for even much younger elders but also expectations of care and protection for younger siblings. Some think of these as superfluous, but these do serve a purpose. Although less emphasized and followed nowadays, this hierarchy and obligation can extend to older siblings helping to send younger ones to school when they, themselves, are done.
One not familiar with these customs would surmise that it is unfair to the younger ones, that it degrades the rights of the child, the younger person, the subordinate, to have to address elders and superiors with such titles of respect. On the other hand, these honored ones had and still have the obligation to nurture and raise these younger ones, to set examples, until the former come into their own.
This brings us back to the old man who obediently did what he was told. Wouldn’ t it have been a less somber experience for him if, despite his now debilitated state, a little acknowledgment of his former worth was made? What if he was called,“ Dr. John Doe, are you here? This way please?” These are only words but titles connote the respect with which a person is esteemed.( At the local Veteran’ s Hospital, patients appreciate being called Mr., instead of first names.)
Regarding children, would it be more rewarding if young guests were more courteous and taught the difference between dealing with equals versus the older generation? Maybe we could point out that some smart-aleck replies by children to adults are not all that funny and should not be imitated. Or, do we think courtesy is passé, permit or tolerate the opposite, and that being nice does not matter anymore? Is this a new norm?
They say,“ It takes a village to raise a child.” It also takes a village to set the rules and follow them.
Dr. Bacani-Oropilla is a retired psychiatrist.
JUNE 2018 17