FEATURE
( continued from page 10 ) on this earth much like a working bee . I neither tasted the honey I was making and actually never saw the queen that was in the comb except in the working mode . This may sound like a bit of an exaggeration but my mindset was in high idle gear . I had forgotten that I had memorized Wordsworth ’ s Solitary Reaper as a youngster and yet it hadn ’ t been meaningful in my life .
I had remembered A Psalm of Life by Longfellow and The Tyger by William Blake . I had read Milton , on his blindness , “ They also serve who only stand and wait ” ( in When I Consider How My Life is Spent ). I was not enjoying the beautiful lines . I recited in my mind “ The music in my heart I bore lasted long after it was heard no more .” I knew that I wanted to catch the music in my last chapter . I put my life at pause and I prayed and waited for my God to guide me . I read and re read such as written in Revelation 3:20 , Acts 2:38 , James 1:17 and Psalm 23 . “ The Lord is my shepherd , I lack nothing . He makes me lie down in green pastures , he leads me beside quiet waters , and he refreshes my soul . He guides me along the right paths for his name ’ s sake even though I walk through the darkest valley .”
So I decided that the very first thing I had to do was to accept myself the way I was and not try to accomplish the elusive dreams of a surgical career of being loved and / or promoted by everyone . I had to learn to love others despite the behavior of some that had not pleased me . Rabindranath Tagore had said , “ Jahara tomar bisaiche byu , nevyche tobo alo , tumi ki tather khama karicha , tumi ki besecho bhaloe ?” Translated it means , “ Those who have insulted you , those who have diminished your light , have you forgiven them and have you learnt to love them ?” I lived in a state of self-aggrandizement as I performed complex operations , and the desire to be correct on every occasion perpetuated in my mind like the steps of Jacob ’ s Ladder . I was happy I thought , but I soon understood that true happiness comes from progressive renunciation and Surya Pronam — Adityang Prathamam Namam , Dityancha Bibhakara---- . So my last chapter began by reading Sanskrit and understanding the principles of Wabi-sabi and Dhana Sutta .
I thought that I was not giving up anything in my last chapter but accepting the reality of impermanence and thus I immersed myself in enjoyment of nature and in the act of true loving . The latter meant to me that I must honor my friends and family , and I would spend time only with the people and objects I loved and that would bring me joy — Ananda . I developed Daya and honored my mother in every place that I had worked by naming lectures or buildings in her name . I conquered Dukkha and immediately felt satisfied in being fulfilled in my heart . I learned to conquer my wants and my needs became less and less . I became free .
I had no need for traveling to see exotic places or drink the 1956 Dom Perignon . I began to enjoy James Bond for his demonstration of confidence and not for the charm and / or lure he spread around us to attract women . In my last chapter , I remembered my father who had once taught me that “ to be powerful I must learn not to acquire objects that I did not need , and I must conquer greed for money and must not be consumed by sexual desire .” He had said that then I would be happy and truly powerful because people wouldn ’ t be able to entice me anymore in doing things that would not make my daughter proud . These words stuck with me .
In the last chapter , I realized not to argue with an older woman because I would never win . An older doctor had confided in me that what he was most afraid of was when his wife would tell him that they needed to “ have a talk .” He always wished that it would be easier if she would tell him as to what needed to be done and he would gladly do that and thus he could avoid the stress of “ having a talk .”
The last chapter for me has been about opening my eyes so “ I can see Thee .” But I have learned to see God through the eyes of my Great Pyrenees or the peacocks . I have enjoyed the beauty of Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman and by understanding his love for every living thing . I have enjoyed the dew drops on the blades of Johnson grass though I pull those out from my garden when sun comes up .
I promised myself to enjoy the hay and the chickens and the ducks and I have learnt to love my wife while sitting by the babbling brook and reading Keats . At this time in my life , I feel a sense of peace in my heart as I read Wordsworth ’ s Tintern Abbey and the description of the tranquil rustic scenery and the murmuring waters of the river . I planned to finish the last chapter of my life by spending time at
Xanadu , “ Pleasure dome decree ,” and around River Alf . I made a path around my trees in the farm and placed a couple of lines of the poem written on pieces of wood every hundred feet or so such that when the walk would be over one would be able to read the whole poem , “ Kubla Khan ,” by Samuel Coleridge Taylor . So I gave up the idea of having someone throwing my ashes at Nandan Kanaan or Man Sarovar next to Mt . Kailash but I chose to stay close to River Alf that “ goes to the bottomless sea .”
I imagined that my two Great Pyrenees would contemplate by sitting next to the flowing river as my dust would float away in front of them and the donkeys would eat the flowers that were placed next to the ashes and walk away making Omar Khayyam come to life to remind all of us about the fate of Jamshid ( King of Pishdadian Dynasty ). Mortis , Amorem et Fortitudinem ( death , love and strength ) is the end point of my last chapter as the river would prance and sing “ men may come and men may go , But I go on forever .” Kalindi Kalokollale Kolahale Kutuhali ! “ The rhythmic oscillation and the reverberation of the river running down a ravine in joyful glee free from the manacles of repetitious imperfect life .”
So thank you , Ovid , for suggesting that I live life for eternity as a tree entwined by the branches of my lover tree , but for me , the river is my resting place because it is in the banks of a special river that I had conceived my daughter , whose tears on the ashes will be the dew drops that will reflect in the sunshine of my soul .
Timir Banerjee , MD , is an ICC doctor and clinical professor of neurosurgery at the University of Louisville .
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