A Guide to Safely
Avoiding Quests
By Lola Binkerd
Adventures may seem fun but they are no joke.
For every Frodo or Furiosa there’s going to be a
dozen Boromirs, Ned Starks, and other assorted
Sean Beans. Follow this helpful guide and you
won’t have to worry about the stress of being the
chosen anything of anywhere!
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Too late to turn back? Never!
Challenges? Hard pass.
If, for some insane reason, you have agreed
to join a motley crew of heroes, it is definitely
time to get cold feet before you are literally
turned into a pillar of ice by something way
more skilled than you are at everything.
Bonus: If you creep away in the middle of
the night when you’re supposed to be on
guard duty while the others sleep, it doesn’t
count as running away!
We know it’s difficult to resist the allure
of a ragtag band of adventurers, damsels
(or dudes) in distress and the promise of
dragon-related gold somewhere outside
of your cell phone network. Trust us, you’ll
find it much less harrowing watching a
Netflix marathon of something fun. Is
anything weird happening in the woods,
hills or streets outside? Close the curtains
and turn up the volume. You’ll thank us later.
The Sword in the Stone? More like the Nope
in the Nope.
Call to Action? Send it straight to voicemail!
Magical items are never a good idea.
While they might seem to produce
convenient invisibility or eternal youth,
they are just as likely to have a ghost
trapped inside or require an annoying
and dangerous hike to another kingdom
with no option to call an Eagle Uber.
Kick that talisman down a drain.
You’re in a safe place with a sensible
career ahead of you. Don’t let mysterious
strangers, wizards, or questing parties
of any kind into your home. We repeat:
Do NOT let wizards into your home.
Recommend a local 24-hour diner to
them and call it a night.
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