LifeGrid Magazine May 2017 | Page 36

FEATURED ARTICLE SUSAN BALL ‘Stay or Go? The Single Most Important Question.’ T HE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT decision that any woman experiencing abuse will make is the decision to leave or stay. Often, she is silenced by her partner by his continued negative commentary on her ability, her looks, and her value. She feels embarrassed to reach out to family and friends to help and support in her quest for freedom. The decision she must make is life changing and with no confidence left to tell her story and seek support, it can also be the loneliest time of her life. There is no greater decision she will make in her life. Staying in some ways is comfortable and familiar. Finan- cially, he may be controlling the purse strings leaving her with few to no resources of her own. She can find herself unemployed, staying home to raise children or staying home because that is his wish or command. Isolation and financial dependency are frequently used tools in the abus- er’s arsenal. They are the tools of complete control and dependence. Children can play an enormous role in her decision. Fear for her children’s safety and security outside of the marriage. Her mind will run full circle to her lack of LIFEGRID MAGAZINE | LIFEGRID.COM.AU employment or housing. How will she get a home, money and food? Serious questions when you are facing the prospect of leaving the family home. Uprooting the children to a new place and school can make her feel guilt and shame that she is not a good mother. Women in abusive, toxic, and unhealthy relationships fear the great unknown that lives on the other side of the door. It can be scary. You have no money, no home, children depending on you, and your prospects seem dismal at best. Staying with your abuser is equally tormenting. How can she keep exposing her children to foul language, physical violence, name-calling and other demeaning behaviours? She is teaching them how to treat people and her example is not good. There are moments when she feels she loves him or that staying together for sake of the family is probably best. The love after the apology phase when she starts to ask maybe it was me, maybe I’m not treating him fairly, maybe I need to try harder to make this marriage work. But those moments are uncomfortable because deep down she knows it’s time to go. She knows that after the apology phase comes the nasty, ugly phase. And so the cycle goes. MAY 2017