FEATURED ARTICLE
SUSAN
BALL
‘Stay or Go? The Single Most Important Question.’
T
HE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT
decision that any woman experiencing abuse
will make is the decision to leave or stay.
Often, she is silenced by her partner by his
continued negative commentary on her
ability, her looks, and her value. She feels
embarrassed to reach out to family and
friends to help and support in her quest for
freedom. The decision she must make is life changing and
with no confidence left to tell her story and seek support, it
can also be the loneliest time of her life.
There is no greater decision she will make in her life.
Staying in some ways is comfortable and familiar. Finan-
cially, he may be controlling the purse strings leaving her
with few to no resources of her own. She can find herself
unemployed, staying home to raise children or staying
home because that is his wish or command. Isolation and
financial dependency are frequently used tools in the abus-
er’s arsenal. They are the tools of complete control and
dependence.
Children can play an enormous role in her decision. Fear
for her children’s safety and security outside of the
marriage. Her mind will run full circle to her lack of
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employment or housing. How will she get a home, money
and food? Serious questions when you are facing the
prospect of leaving the family home. Uprooting the
children to a new place and school can make her feel guilt
and shame that she is not a good mother.
Women in abusive, toxic, and unhealthy relationships fear
the great unknown that lives on the other side of the door.
It can be scary. You have no money, no home, children
depending on you, and your prospects seem dismal at best.
Staying with your abuser is equally tormenting. How can
she keep exposing her children to foul language, physical
violence, name-calling and other demeaning behaviours?
She is teaching them how to treat people and her example
is not good.
There are moments when she feels she loves him or that
staying together for sake of the family is probably best. The
love after the apology phase when she starts to ask maybe it
was me, maybe I’m not treating him fairly, maybe I need to
try harder to make this marriage work. But those moments
are uncomfortable because deep down she knows it’s time
to go. She knows that after the apology phase comes the
nasty, ugly phase. And so the cycle goes.
MAY 2017