REGULARS
Here is how to tell you ’ re a ‘ hustler ’ middle class Nairobian
1 . You keep bottles of expensive whiskey and sickeningly have them on display in the sitting room . Rural .
2 . You have one , a fridge . Two , a water dispenser . Redundant .
3 . You only dust off your fifth hand jalopy out of parking once the salary checks in . End-month tycoons , these Nairobians .
4 . Your HR department knows your mid-month rendezvous to their office for a salary advance . Laughable .
5 . When the Galaxy S-something phone accidentally drops ndani ya chai , violently changes ownership or gets lost , replacing it calls for a visit to the Sacco . Taxing .
6 . The success of your ‘ expensive ’ wedding depends on 100 of your ‘ closest friends ’ meeting their imposed Sh20,000 targets . You also have a gift list to avoid glasses since you ’ re not opening a cutlery business . Charade .
7 . You still need a benevolent relative for that Sh2 million bank statement when processing your Visa to the West . Sad .
8 . When arrested for drunk driving , paying the Sh20,000 fine involves calling at least five friends to help you out ... but they ’ re ‘ down .’ Blunder .
9 . You are in an investment chama that can only afford to buy a plot along Kangundo Road , 50km from Nairobi and 50km off the tarmac at Joska . Congratulations .
REGULARS
10 . You have gone for the cheapest DSTV package , granted it has NatGeo and Sony Max . Struggle .
11 . You have accepted the dictum that a man cannot live without a ( soft ) loan . Conformity .
12 . You have a Shylock ’ s number at the ready just in case an emergency strikes . Plan B .
13 . Around 10th of any given month , all you have in the fridge is a piece of cabbage , wrinkly carrots and mayonnaise from three months before . Unsustainable lifestyle .
14 . You often change the grades of rice and maize flour depending on the time of the month . Inconsistent .
15 . When the cooking gas gets finished on 21st of the month , means three things : eating out , using a kerosene stove or jiko if cohabiting or married or getting a quick loan from a friend . Pressure .
16 . You change your whiskey brands depending on the time of the month . Erratic .
17 . When your jalopy gets knocked with a small freckle around the fog lights , you cause the mother of all traffic jams . Bothersome .
18 . You prefer using cooking oil , but circumstances dictate that you use cooking fat . Most of the time .
19 . The new Jambo Jet flying rates are still on the higher side . Ha !
20 . You have deferred-for the 10th year- your ill-considered Masters programme for lack of funds . Cut the booze .
LIFE TODAY MAGAZINE Issue 1 , No . 001 / 17 / December 2016 21