toddler on the daily. And so, ignorant of my pending workload and with a zeal for hiphop, I began my stay-at-home dad journey. Soon Sesame Street was playing for the kids during waking hours, while nap time and bedtime were dedicated to my rap career with my crew, the Dream Junkies.
Nothing could have prepared me for the emotional and physical fatigue that comes with 24-7 parenting. Along with that there is a desperation and a feeling of not being seen that I couldn’ t have imagined. I now understand how women feel when their husband gets home and complains that the dishes aren’ t done. My wife would walk into the house, survey the scene, and give me a look that said,“ What did you do today?”
“ Nobody died today. That’ s what I did. They’ re alive and the house is not on fire.”
I quickly learned that parenting a newborn and a two-year-old sucked, but I also felt a sense of fulfillment I have never experienced before. It was exhausting but also purposefilled, intimate, and vulnerable. All these things were true, and no one had ever told me— like a secret that should’ ve been exposed. Fatherhood is life-altering, and I am living proof.
After talking with Scotty, my fifteen-year plan came to life. I decided I would close my chapter as a touring rapper and begin to tell people the truth about fatherhood, because the biggest stage I’ d ever stand on would be my living room. On October 19, 2015, I uploaded the first episode of Beleaf in Fatherhood.
My videos started as a way to document the trials and tribulations of fatherhood along with the victories. I figured people wouldn’ t believe what I was experiencing unless I showed them. Not just the six poopy diapers a day, but the good parts too. The joy of watching your kid learn something new, the peace on their faces when they fall asleep in your arms, the way they laugh when you’ re tickling them— until they punch you in the balls and the game is over.
As I said earlier, proof is power, and I need to experience things in order to learn them. I need to see them in action, not just hear about them. And judging by the comments and DMs I get on the regular, most of us are that way. We need to see what is possible. We need proof.
My family is not the only healthy family out there, of course. All around us are countless healthy, successful families, but we have to notice them, and we have to believe their story can be ours too. If we look for proof that our families will fail, we’ ll find it. And if we look for proof that we’ ll succeed, we’ ll find it. The question is, Are we looking at the right proof?
Remember, too, that“ proof” is not the same thing as“ rules.” I can barely figure out how to be a relatively good father to my kids. I still
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