sufficient .” But have you ever known biblical truth and still had trouble believing it in a tough moment ? That ’ s where I was , and too often , that ’ s where I am .
Through this thorn-filled journey , God has taught me a number of lessons . These lessons have come through moments of failure and moments of victory . Through this journey , He has not only exposed His heart , but He has also exposed my heart . He has shown me that my heart is more deceitful , more bitter , more given to self-sufficiency , and more filled with pride than I ’ d like to admit . There are two paths that I ’ ve taken while dealing with the thorn of insecurity .
The Path to Bitterness
When I became embittered and my innermost being was wounded , I was stupid and didn ’ t understand ; I was an unthinking animal toward you . ( Ps . 73:21 – 22 )
I unfortunately can relate to the words of Asaph in Psalm 73 . In my moments of insecurity , I acted like a brute . I was a beast before God . I found myself letting Him know why I shouldn ’ t have this thorn . I even reminded Him of my faithfulness . I reminded Him of my struggles and the pain of growing up without a father . Didn ’ t He feel sorry for me ? Perhaps , with enough reminders , He ’ d give in . But He didn ’ t .
In fact , if I ’ m being honest , it almost seems as if the thorn has multiplied and gotten bigger . As the Lord seemingly failed to respond to my prayers , I slowly turned into a bitter person . I found myself preaching with an angry tone . I found myself being short with people I was supposed to shepherd . My insecurity was at an all-time high . Peoplepleasing was never far from my mind , and my likability felt like it was at an all-time low .
A year into my pastorate , I found myself in the fetal position in my office . I couldn ’ t think straight , but I also couldn ’ t cry . I felt like I had lost my mind . I was having a nervous breakdown .
This infuriated me even more . I blamed the congregation . It was their fault I felt insecure ; it was their fault I had a nervous breakdown ; it was their fault I felt like I wasn ’ t enough . To make matters worse , no one seemed to care about the pain they had caused .
But the honest truth was the fault was
mine . I let the presence of insecurity drive me to bitterness instead of driving me to the throne of God where grace is found and strength is provided in times of weakness . This , I believe , is why God has left the thorn sticking in my side . He has heard my cry . But He left my insecurity in place . In so doing He forced me to trust Him .
I realize I have a choice with the thorns in my life . I can fall into bitterness and selfdestruction when God chooses to leave them , or I can fall into the grace of God and trust in His sufficiency .
My bitterness and anger ultimately led to broken relationships , distant church members , and a culture of fear for those who worked alongside me . This is not something I am proud of , but I hope never to forget the
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