“ Trust is an active , rigorous , intentional decision to live according to something you cannot always see .”
I ’ ve had a long and contentious relationship with God ’ s timing . After racing through high school like my pants were on fire , I graduated college at the wise age of nineteen , ready to “ launch into life ”— and promptly discovered that life doesn ’ t work on my timeline . I was laid off from my first corporate bank job before I even started . Then I took a job selling twoyear fitness memberships to overly optimistic women at an all-ladies gym . It took nearly a year of furious and anxious job seeking to land a new corporate position — very entry level and with a much smaller salary than the one at the bank but a big step-up from the gym . When I felt ready to switch roles at that company , I was told I wasn ’ t eligible because not enough time had passed . ( I then quit .)
By then I was married and pregnant . Our first child was ten days overdue . It took me twice as long to finish grad school as I ’ d expected because of said baby . I felt ready to lead before I did , ready to publish before I did , ready to preach before I did , ready to move when it wasn ’ t quite time . When my kids were little , I was ready for them to be bigger . When they got bigger , I was ready for them to drive . When they drove , I wanted all of it to rewind . I am constantly out of sync . God seems to have set my brain on 1.5x speed , and it ’ s caused nothing but trouble .
Yet as much as I hate to admit it , waiting is a fierce but fruitful teacher . In the rocky ground between what I hoped for and what I experienced is an opportunity for something entirely new to grow . I do not welcome this rocky ground , and frankly , I don ’ t think I ’ m very good at cultivating it . But it seems as if some lessons can only be learned here . This place teaches us what it means to trust God without any immediate evidence for why we should continue to put our faith in Him . This rocky place reveals what our faith is really built upon . It uncovers our doubts ; unearths our shame , anger , and insecurity ; and often reveals our shocking inability to apply our knowledge of God ’ s goodness to our reality .
This interlude forces us to engage with our doubts about whether God is actually in control and what our role is during the waiting . In our binary belief system , God being in control of everything and me having a part to play in it just doesn ’ t add up . After all , if God is fully in control , why can ’ t I just stay in bed and let the world pass me by until He says “ go ” again ? But if God is not fully in control , does that mean I ’ m the one who caused all this mess , and I ’ m paying for it now ? If we stare that problem of power in its ugly face and the waiting still drags on , we might even get to the most courageous question of all : If God is so good , why did He allow this to happen ?
“ Trust is an active , rigorous , intentional decision to live according to something you cannot always see .”
Trust isn ’ t something you set and forget . Trust isn ’ t something you learn and master . Trust is an active , rigorous , intentional decision to live according to something you cannot always see . Trust is taking the shimmers and glimmers of God ’ s presence and love and
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