FEATURE: BUILDING STRONG FAMILIES
6 Conversations
You Must Have About
Porn and Sexual Purity
BY LEE NIENHUIS
I sighed as the truth hit me: My child has a
character problem.
This realization came out of left field and
blindsided us. One minute I was putting on
makeup and getting ready for a day of vacation
with my family, and the next I was holding
my child’s cell phone with pornographic
images blazing from the screen. I’m so glad
my husband, Mike, had practiced his “I’m not
surprised” face, because I had to turn away to
mask my feelings of betrayal, confusion, and
horror. My mind spun. My son would never
make this choice. He knows better. While Mike
worked through the initial moments with a
gentleness that must have come from the
Holy Spirit, I reeled.
If I could visit myself in that shell-shocked
moment, I would whisper three things in my
ear:
One, thank God that your child has been
caught. This devastating moment is a gift
to him and you. There can be no healing, no
repair, and no restoration until the light of
truth pierces the darkness, the secrecy, and
the shame that has gripped his soul.
Two, this is the perfect time to unwind your
identity from that of your children. Setting
your hopes on them is too great a burden for
them. Drawing affirmation from their positive
choices and devastation from their poor
choices is unhealthy and unhelpful.
Third and finally, this would be a good time
to gather the family and say, “This is an us
problem.”
We all have a character problem. I have a
character problem. This character problem
is systemic and noxious, and our society is
ripping at the seams because of it. At the
surface, it appears to be a problem that begins
and ends with personal failings, pornography
viewing and sexual promiscuity that has
become a rite of passage, but underneath is a
battle for the hearts of our children. This isn’t
simply a moral issue; what we are experiencing
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