met. The method and degree to which they were met when we were infants and children also determines how we learn to relate to the world around us. Or as we counselors like to say, these needs shape our ability to attach and form healthy, securely attached relationships— or not.
A secure attachment is the basis for being able to trust and to have a solid sense of self, being able to experience( through your five senses) healthy intimacy whether together or apart with others in relationship. Securely attached, you practice the ability to take care of yourself as well as ask for help as needed. Curt Thompson explains,“ Security is about being able, in the face of feeling seen, soothed, and safe, to move away from our relational base and step out to take the risk of new adventure, whether it’ s across the crib, across the room, or across the country.”
Whether as infants or adults, as we draw conclusions about our needs to be seen and soothed, we begin to see how they relate to our needs for safety and security. Babies absorb the emotions of their caregivers and develop an awareness of their surroundings and any imminent dangers. Toddlers who hurt themselves because no one stopped them from touching the flame of a candle, sharp objects, or unfriendly pets form an awareness that their surroundings are harmful, painful, and dangerous. Once their autonomous nervous systems are conditioned to being tripped frequently, then their heightened nervous systems remain in fight or flight, on red alert, regardless of whether there are any actual threats.
If the need for safety goes unmet consistently, then it’ s likely a secure attachment will not develop. An overall sense of security remains lacking as well. If your caregivers did not see you and attune to your needs, if they failed to comfort and soothe you consistently when you experienced pain of any kind, if they could not assure your safety— or worse, harmed you themselves, directly or indirectly— then a sense of security could never develop.
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