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By Lynette Brasfield
My father died of a heart attack in 1965 at the age of 39 . I was nine years old . My parents had divorced the year before , and my sister and I were sent to a boarding school hundreds of miles away from our home . I had written him an angry letter , blaming him for the separation , unfairly , as it would later turn out . That was the last he heard from me . To this day ( and I ’ m 68 ), I feel the agony of knowing that he died not knowing I loved him .
At my graduation , at my wedding , and upon the birth of my two sons , I felt deep sadness that he wasn ’ t present . I continue to miss the parent
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I hardly knew , reliving , even to this day , happy memories of the times we cooked dinner together ( okay , baked beans on toast …!), read The Wind in the Willows and set off sparklers on his birthday , which was also Guy Fawkes Day .
But my dad ’ s death , though premature , was at least in the natural order of things , a parent dying before their offspring . I cannot begin to imagine the terrible pain of losing a child at any age – or to miscarriage – and the emotions that must go with that loss every day for the rest of one ’ s life .
Grief , of course , takes many forms . Losing an adult child brings with it a particularly complicated kind of grief for older parents whose lives have been deeply intertwined with those of their sons or daughters , often for decades .
That ’ s why , beginning in June , Susi Q will offer a weekly “ Between the Tears ” Child Loss Support Group for Seniors , led by facilitator Basia Mosinski , MA . The group is intended to be a safe place for older adults to process the many feelings that accompany parental bereavement . It will meet on Thursdays from 1 to 2:30 p . m . at no cost to participants .
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“ While there ’ s obviously never a good time to lose a child , adults who have experienced close relationships over the years with their grown-up children are confronted with the loss of long-time shared experiences and a friendship that has evolved over time ,” Mosinski explained to me . “ With seniors , this bereavement can bring up other losses and sometimes leads to isolation as the parent retreats into depression .
“ I understood this first-hand when I lost my stepson ,” Mosinski added . “ I decided to walk away from a career in the arts and turn to psychology as a way to understand grieving on a deeper level and to help others going through similar experiences .”
Basia later lost her own son when he was in his forties .
“ Understanding grief processes in some depth didn ’ t necessarily prepare me . I had to put myself together again piece by piece , like Humpty Dumpty ,” she said . “ But I found that there was so much wisdom to be shared in a group , such as ways to get through anniversaries and holidays . Sometimes , just listening can help .”
Based on her own experience , Mosinski strongly believes that support groups are important in
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helping the bereaved find ways to cope – impossible though it might initially seem – often simply by providing a safe space to share stories or shed tears without any pressure to talk .
“ Sometimes people feel like they ’ re literally losing their minds . Every individual deals with grief differently , of course , but being with others who have experienced similar losses can bring some comfort . Learning from parents who have survived the greatest tragedy of their lives and helping the newest grievers gives purpose to many of the participants .”
“ Between the Tears ” will be offered weekly as an open-ended group , with no requirement to commit to a set number of sessions .
“ The idea is to offer a place to breathe , not to add stress ,” Mosinski says .
Given my father ’ s early death , I ’ ve always emphasized to my sons that they need to take care of their hearts – in every sense of the word – but I held my breath as they reached the age of 39 , somehow fearing that history would repeat itself . It hasn ’ t , thank God . Because I just can ’ t imagine
SUSI Q , PAGE 10
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