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By Susan McNeal Velasquez
In my Catholic grammar school , the nuns would ask a question , and there would be frantic hand-waving and raised voices repeating : “ Sister , Sister , Sister ” with all of us competing to be chosen .
Often , the “ winner ” would stand up proudly and then realize they had no clue what the question was and , therefore , couldn ’ t give an answer . The only goal was to get attention .
Our society today seems like a classroom crowded with attention-hungry children clamoring to be noticed .
Attention-seeking is an all-con-
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suming addiction since social media has skyrocketed in popularity . Unmet belonging needs and a craving for outside approval can leave us susceptible to having our approval needs become the sole driving force in our lives . This becomes a problem when we are unaware that our attention needs are running the show .
In the 1940s , Abraham Maslow introduced a hierarchy of basic needs . He presented a pyramid starting with physical needs such as shelter , food , air and water at the base of the triangle . Next is mental and emotional safety and security . Third is the need to belong , be accepted , and continue to have self-esteem , which is the need to establish our unique identity and develop our talents and abilities . Finally , the top of the pyramid is self-actualization , which is the need to contribute our gifts to the world .
He also stated that there is a sixth need which is to move up the pyramid by satisfying the lower needs fully enough to be able to move to fulfilling the higher needs of self-esteem and self-actualization .
When we are endlessly seeking the approval of others , it thwarts our ability to actualize our unique talents
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and gifts . We become a slave to the demands of the imaginary audience we are endlessly courting . We use our precious energy rehearsing how we can look good as we attempt the impossible task of impressing all people , all the time .
It is appropriate to seek outside approval , particularly when we are children . It is important to feel accepted and liked by others . It just isn ’ t the best place to stop and set up shop unless we are content to place the keys to our happiness and fulfillment in the hands of the external world .
We enjoy a level of personal comfort when we are surrounded with people who accept us . The temptation is to sink into that feeling like a warm bath . Stay too long , and the water turns tepid , then cold , and we are left feeling insecure once again .
How can we identify whether our need for attention has gotten out of hand ? When we are running our lives on automatic pilot , frantically over-thinking , over-feeling or over-doing in a flurry of activity that masquerades as productivity , that is a probable indicator that we are trying to get approval from an imaginary audience that will never applaud .
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Outside approval is a band-aid that helps to soothe the wound of personal insecurity . When we are willing to admit that we feel insecure , true healing can begin . As we take on the responsibility of learning to approve of ourselves , we return to our seat , stop the frantic hand waving and begin to ask the deeper questions .
What personal needs of mine are not being fulfilled ? What are the principles and values that I am willing to live by ? Does my behavior reflect my values ? Do I behave with honesty and integrity even when no one is watching ? Am I willing to be truthful with myself ? Am I willing to be kind to myself as I answer these questions ?
When we rein in our wayward attention-seeking energy , we begin to build an inner core of solid acceptance that serves as a platform to grow into an authentic sense of self-esteem and the actualization of our highest dreams and desires . Susan has been writing and producing personal development seminars since 1972 . She loves the opportunity to share concepts from her years of working in the Leadership Development field . susanvelasquez . com .
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