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By sKip helleWell
The Super Bowl will celebrate excellence in the hard , win-lose world of football . One team will celebrate , while the other will go home as losers . Valentine ’ s Day , barely two days later , is the exact opposite . It ’ s not a spectator sport . Everyone can play . You get to make your own rules , and all can be winners . There we have the essence of life : two paths , and you get to choose which one to take .
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In 1956 , psychologist-philosopher Erich Fromm wrote a classic , “ The Art of Loving .” In this long-time best-seller , Fromm argued that we had lost our way , with people treating love as a transaction , a quid pro quo of something-for-something , with the human inclination to get more while giving less . The title hinted that love wasn ’ t something you ‘ fell ’ into but an ‘ art ,’ a way of relating to others that required self-knowledge plus the hard work of becoming a better person . And it wasn ’ t just about romantic love , but about how to treat everyone we encounter .
If you study the “ Sermon on the Mount ,” you find hints on how to walk a higher path . Humility , generosity , forgiveness , and kindness to others are essential steps . The challenge is to practice this in a world based on win-lose competitiveness , where everyone is fighting for a bigger slice of the pie , assuming the pie is a fixed sum . But what if the pie was only limited by our ability to love one another ?
We just celebrated our wedding anniversary , an event that annually challenges my ability to express love .
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I tend to get focused on projects , but the Beautiful Wife is smart and drops a few hints as the big day nears , lest I forget . I ’ m also a cheap guy , not thinking of diamonds and such . This year I was saved by our three children who live in the area , inviting each to dinner at places meaningful to us . The first meal was with our son and wife at Five Crowns in Corona del Mar , a restaurant we had once enjoyed early in our marriage and for which I had an old gift certificate . The next morning , we enjoyed brunch at The Ranch in Aliso Canyon with one daughter and husband , revisiting the site of their wedding reception . We finished at the Crab Cooker in Newport with another daughter and husband , a favorite place over the years . The BW loved visiting more intimately with her children ( she considers the in-laws her children ), and the kids started picking up the tab . Maybe my best year .
A while back , I wrote about a grumpy guy in the community , living amidst piles of stuff . A medical emergency took him to the hospital for a few weeks , and caring neighbors were inspired to make his home
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livable . Their example caused others to join in the work , carrying away the junk , and fixing what was broken . When the home was done , they started on the yard . The big worry was whether this help would make a difference , whether a heart could be changed . Thanksgiving passed , then Christmas . Our grumpy hoarder has two daughters who live nearby but were estranged — love , it seemed , had died . Last week they came to visit with grandchildren . The neighbors watched and listened , wondering . They heard laughter where there had been none ; they saw grandchildren happily playing , the visit lasting six hours . It seems a miracle of love rediscovered .
First , there ’ s the Super Bowl , then Valentine ’ s Day . Win-lose and win-win . The best thing is we get to choose and can be as good as we want . There ’ s meaning in that .
Skip fell in love with Laguna on a ‘ 50s surfing trip . He ’ s a student of Laguna history and the author of “ Loving Laguna : A Local ’ s Guide to Laguna Beach .” Email : skip @ lovinglaguna . com .
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