Law of Attraction Magazine - Holiday Issue! May, June 2020 | Page 8

W hat is
Conscious
Self-Love
and
W hy We Need It
Now!
By
Jill Blackwell, Ph.D
I
believe ...
everyone's life purpose
is to learn to love themselves unconditionally
regardless of the parental/ societal conditioning we
received. Sure there will be jobs you will have and
tasks to accept if you choose, but let's say all the
experiences, relationship problems, triggers,
lessons, everything in your life, you are drawing in
to help you learn one big thing to love yourself -
unconditionally and consciously, and that is your
life purpose. I didn't arrive at this realization
overnight. For about seven years after I figured
out my mom was a narcissist and that my life and
the world didn't revolve around her, I was in a
constant state of flux.
about my "big life purpose," how to choose the
right partner, how to be a better partner. I took
master classes, regular classes, read books, blogs,
Instagram posts, set boundaries, said no, shifted
my soul, you name it. Each time I shined up one
part, I would feel good for a few days thinking,
WOW!I found it! - good news, no more seeking! Then
that feeling would vanish, and I would feel
defeated, confused, or wrong. I would see an
invitation for a new masterclass, or for a
relationship repair, and would think, maybe I just
need one more class, and then I would be finally
fixed.
My Ms. Fix-It mode (of me, my loved ones, the
world) made each day miserable as I needed to DO
more, learn more, and not allow myself to feel
I was feverishly working/ seeking to shine up my
satisfied with myself. I wasn't comfortable being
parts. I was sure something was wrong with me-my
me. I was in a state of repair. Plus, these feelings of
appearance, my ability to forgive, my ability to
lack and limitations drew more limitations to my
practice gratitude, mindfulness. I had questions
environment. Have you been here too? Like, you
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feel there is something wrong with you? Well,
there is indeed something wrong, and it is a lack
of unconditional love for yourself.
ourselves and preoccupy us with thoughts of
fixing ourselves, our kids, the world, all others.
Your problem is that you think you have a
problem, then you search for one, as you continue
your circle of judging yourself, and then beating
yourself up as well as doing this to your loved
ones.
We are shining our petals, but our flower petals
keep falling off because we are not nourishing
our flower center (our heart and soul!!). We must
start to nourish our hearts and soul by practicing
conscious self-love!
Conscious self-love is the practice of
unconditional love for you. Conscious self-love is
loving yourself with the ego out (or at least
acknowledged and soothed). You love yourself
just because, and that is all. You
behave toward yourself and others
that like you and even love you. It's
like how your best friend treats
you. But the motivation is not for
stuff or approval, so others will
think you are nice/ good, or even
feel worthy of love. It is just
because you are you. Conscious
self-love is not self-centered or
narcissistic. It's a paradox of loving
yourself consciously, and you then
become less self-absorbed.
Instead of going down those rabbit holes when
practicing conscious self-love, we will see our
absolute beauty and are then able to see it in
others. We will begin to relate to each other in a
much healthier and loving way.
You will discover that there is nothing to fix and
no more lists of things to improve on because WE
are perfect. But even if we are not perfect, we
don't harshly judge or criticize any longer.
Indeed, the antidote for fixing and judging is
compassion, particularly self-compassion; but
you won't likely be able to muster
self-compassion until you practice self-love.
Practicing conscious self-love is also the antidote
for feelings of lack and victim consciousness. I
know people who love
discussing boundaries these
days, but when practicing
conscious self-love, you
discover that we don't even
need a boundary because the
things other people do are not
problematic for you.
Boundaries are attempts to
control others and set up a
conditional environment
where you won't be triggered.
What is the use in that?
On ce you ar e
f eel i n g w h ol e
an d l oved, i t i s
i m possi bl e NOT
t o at t r act m or e
l ove t o you .
Why do we need t his appl icat ion
of conscious sel f -l ove? Because
you can't give away what you don't have. People
who practice conscious self-love are the only
people capable of unconditionally loving others.
When we try to be nice to others and know it is
not working, we become resentful because we
don't love ourselves. We become obsessed with
seeing others' lack of perfection and then enjoy
judging them, picking on them, and fixing them,
but in all truthfulness, these problems we are
seeing is simply a projection of our lack of
self-love and acceptance. The harsher our
internal self-talk (our inner critic), the sharper our
outer talk to others (bitterness and meanness)
and judgments.
Maybe you have been doing beautiful things to
win other's approval, so you can prove you are a
good person. But these actions are not fueled by
self-love either, AND they serve to take us away
from this idea of conscious self-love. These
actions even help us avoid genuinely loving
We get great information
about our inner selves from
our relationships and the mirrors our partners
hold up for us. If we create a restrictive
environment for ourselves with these boundaries,
we are interfering with opportunities to grow.
Moreover, with boundaries, we are giving the
boundary recipient power to dictate how we feel
by their behaviors.
This is the exact opposite of what will happen in
conscious self-love. When in that mode, if
someone purposively or accidentally upsets you,
it just doesn't bother you, because our lens of
self-love helps us see the truth. In all likelihood,
they are most likely projecting some of their
problems upon us and are momentarily
unconscious that they are doing it. What they are
saying has nothing to do with us. Now that is
powerful stuff and a bit less time consuming than
boundary-setting too! Plus, once you are feeling
whole and loved, it is impossible not to attract
more love to you.
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