Kiwi Rider January 2022 Vol.1 - Page 90

BORIS

THE BIKERS ’ CODE

You ’ ve heard of this , right ? And maybe you ’ ve nodded your head and clapped like a retard at a dog circus , and thought : “ Yeah , the Bikers ’ Code ! That ’ s what it ’ s all about . That ’ s what I ’ m all about .” But because this is what you thought , I ’ m going to kick you in the metaphorical cods so hard , you ’ ll need a curtain rod shoved down your neck get them back down . There is no Bikers ’ Code . There has never been a Bikers ’ Code . Yes , I know social media will tell you there is , but there isn ’ t . Social media will also tell you the earth is flat . The Bikers ’ Code is bullshit , wishful thinking at best and cynical click-bait at worst . I ’ m not the only one who makes sport of those with less than the proper amount of chromosomes , you know . It ’ s actually a bit sad and more than a little pathetic – especially seeing as it ’ s precisely the kind of Disneyland nonsense enthusiastically promulgated by decrepit grey-haired outlaw wannabes and those living-sight-gag hipsters whose genitals are so compressed in girl-jeans they need to sprout beards so we know they ’ re males . The only thing those two gerbil clans have in common is they ’ re all about the look rather than the ride . And as a consequence , neither can ride bikes very well , so they tend to concentrate on this kind of twee existential mythology to make them feel better about themselves . So no Bikers ’ Code , OK ?

There is no set of rules to this motorcycling thing . Nothing has been codified and nothing ever will be . It does not work like that . The amount of fun motorcycling gives you is largely governed by you not being a massive camo-pants-wearing , thumb-gripping , headnodding , respect-demanding knob-ulcer , and it works like this ... Shake my hand like a human being . You can shove that thumb-grabbing bro bullshit into the same sewer you should throw your merit-badgecovered vest into . Stop expecting other riders to nod at you when you ’ re on your bike . If you need validation via the acknowledgment of strangers , or if you think you share some kind of mystical unicorn bond because he rides a bike and you ride a bike , then you should be lashed like disobedient circus animal . Respect is something that is always earned and never just offered to you because you ride a motorcycle . Your choice of transport does not automatically entitle you to another rider ’ s respect . Or anyone ’ s respect . Your fellow riders are not bound by immutable Biker Laws to stop and see if you ’ re alright when you ’ re parked on the side of the road . It doesn ’ t matter where your helmet is placed , or even if you have it pushed deep inside your colon . If you ’ re visibly in distress and waving people
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