BORIS
“ WHO THE HELL ARE YOU ?”
I
’ m pretty sure some of you are wondering who the hell I am , where the hell I ’ ve come from , and what the hell I ’ m doing in your beloved magazine . I ’ m also pretty sure that in a few issues , some of you will be demanding Editor Ben sack me and feed my remains to whatever dogs he may have on hand . He will not be the first editor that has happened to , and we shall see if he ’ s up to the task . But I do very much encourage you to email your outrage to him each time you read something I have written which makes you crazy . But before we get into all that , I suppose it ’ s only fair you know who I am and by what right I presume to replace a much-loved and tragically no-longer-with-us columnist . Especially given I ’ m not even a Kiwi . I actually live across the ditch in what you might call Western New Zealand . Big island . Lots of deserts with shallow graves full of wayward backpackers . Rich in everything that is venomous , poisonous , and carnivorous . On a clear day , if you get up on your mate ’ s shoulders at Paturau Beach , you may be able to see it . So , I am not a Kiwi , but I have been to your marvellous country many times , and hope to visit it many more times . I have no idea how you all stand living there , quite frankly . Such natural beauty , largely empty winding roads , people who are far too friendly for their own good , and a police force that doesn ’ t openly carry weapons . You ’ re like some kind of benign , smiling , and polite alternate reality compared to the feudal shitbuggery going on over here . I ’ m in awe of you all , actually . And a bit jealous . But that ’ s enough about you . You wanna know about me , right ? So this is like a job interview , I guess . I tell you stuff about me , and you then decide if my stuff is worthy of being read . So , you ’ d be rightly concerned about two things . My bona fides as a motorcyclist and my bona fides as a writer , right ? So here goes ... I ride bikes . I have no other interests . I have no other hobbies . I lift weights only because if I ’ m strong I will be able to ride motorcycles for longer . I ’ ve even stopped drinking my bodyweight in beer a few years back in the hope I ’ ll be able to ride longer if my body is not rotting at the pace it was . I have ridden all over Australia , lots of Europe , and a tiny bit of California . I average about 60,000km a year on a bike these days . I used to average about 80-90,000 . So in 45 years of riding I ’ ve accumulated some 3.5 million kilometres . I ’ m mainly a road-rider , but I can manage dirt , and I have raced , albeit briefly and poorly . Repsol Honda never returned my calls . I rode with an outlaw motorcycle club for a decade ,
90 KIWI RIDER