How to De-escalate a Tense Situation
By Larry Deavers
An important skill in dealing with people is being able to de-escalate emotions when things get tense . Whether it ’ s a customer at work , your spouse , a child or a teenager , there are some basic strategies you can use to help calm the situation down and help the other person regain their composure . This will enhance your ability to communicate calmly and find a rational solution to their concerns
Here are a few steps to keep in mind if you are dealing with someone who is upset or emotional : BE MINDFUL OF YOUR OWN EMOTIONS . When you give into your own knee-jerk , emotional reaction when others are provocative , you are not able to think clearly or truly listen . This is especially true if you are engaging with someone with whom you have a history , such as a teenager or your spouse . If there is a history of tension in your relationship , they will be prepared for you to respond the way you typically do ; it will take an extra portion of grace on your part to put your own feelings aside and truly focus on listening to their words , as well as their emotions .
MAINTAIN A SAFE PERSONAL DISTANCE . This shows that you respect the other person ’ s space and that you are not trying to impose your will on them . This may also be a safety measure if you feel that the other person may be capable of lashing out . Even though you may feel the urge to place your hand on their shoulder to help reassure them , touching them at the point where their emotions have them feeling defensive and irrational may not be taken the way it is intended . Simply being emotionally present and giving the other person your attention is sufficient to convey your concern . of their speech , but by keeping a low tone , you can help them come to match your tone , rather than you raising your voice to match theirs .
GET ON THE SAME LEVEL . If you are talking to someone who is sitting down or to a child , it ’ s important to get on their level . So , if you ’ re talking to a child , you might get down on your knees so you can look at them eye-to-eye . This way you eliminate the impression that you are dominating them by towering over them . With someone sitting down , you may also want to sit , as long as you do not sense that you are actually in any danger . This can help reduce the perception that you are patronizing them or making demands .
LISTEN . Nothing is as disarming to an upset person as feeling listened to . Often , the emotional response we see from the other person is stemming from the assumption that they will not be heard if they speak slowly and calmly . Your job is to make them feel heard when they are being calm and reasonable so that their excessive emotional expression no longer seems necessary .
SEND THE RIGHT MESSAGE . Sometimes , even with our best intentions , our message is perceived the wrong way . Avoid saying “ I understand ” and focus more on “ I ’ m here to help ; what can I do ?” However , even more important than the words is the nonverbal cues that convey the meaning and sincerity of your words . Use eye contact , but avoid glaring . Turn your shoulders towards the other person so that they know they have your full attention and you are not anxious to leave . Use a soft body language that avoids expressing an authoritative presence . Remember , no matter what your message is , you have to present it in a way that it can be heard by the other person . september / october 2023
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MAINTAIN A SLOW RATE OF SPEECH . When the other person is upset , they are more likely to talk fast , which may provoke your own feelings of defensiveness , tension and anxiety . To help calm both you and the other person , be mindful to speak slowly and calmly . This will help ensure that you are not feeding into their aroused emotions . Speaking slowly will help them slow down and it will be easier for them to regain control of their emotions .
MAINTAIN A LOW TONE OF VOICE . In addition to speaking slowly , be careful to keep your voice low and steady . Raising your voice or sounding shrill to the other person will increase their defensiveness and the feeling that they are under attack . Your instinct may be to try to match the pitch and intensity
BREATH . When faced with an upset person , our own tendency is to feel tense and defensive , which often causes us to take short , shallow breaths . All of this diminishes our own ability to remain calm and to think clearly . So , remember to focus , take some deep breaths and try to be emotionally present with the other person . This will help you convey that you are genuinely on their side and that you want to seek a solution for their concerns .
If you follow these steps , they will go a long way towards helping you to communicate to the other person that you are genuinely interested in understanding their perspective and that you ’ re really here to help .
Larry Deavers is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker & Executive Director of Family Counseling Service of West Alabama .