MAKING THINGS RIGHT :
How to Restore a Broken Relationship may / june 2023
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By Larry Deavers
All of us have had broken relationships in our lives , sometimes for a few days or weeks and sometime for years or , even , decades . There is almost always a level of hurt and pain that comes with these that reaches a very raw , emotional place for us when we think about them , perhaps bitterness , resentment , embarrassment or guilt . When considering reconciling , we may have to think about several questions : Is this relationship important enough to take the risk of reaching out ? Is this a relationship that I want in my life , or would it be damaging to have this person in my life again ? Can I see anything I may have contributed to the broken relationship ? Is leaving the relationship in a broken state consistent with my personal values ?
Simply initiating contact will likely involve making yourself vulnerable , knowing they may spurn your effort , leaving you feeling even more hurt and rejected . If you choose to take the initiative in reconciling the relationship , here are some thoughts that may help you succeed .
Restoring a relationship requires someone to “ be the bigger person ”. Even if you sincerely believe the other person is 95 % of the problem , there is nearly always some part of the damaged relationship that you can take responsibility for , though in your mind “ that was nothing compared to what they did !” It may only be 5 % in your mind , but in the perspective of the other person , your part is likely much greater than that . Often , by taking the first step and genuinely apologizing for anything you may have done , it allows the other person to be honest about the part they contributed in the damage , as well .
Seek to understand their perspective . Most often , broken relationships come from two people having different perspectives and knowing , without a doubt , that “ I ’ m right and they ’ re just wrong !” Give the other person the opportunity to express their thoughts and emotions without judgment and with a genuine desire to understand them . This will require letting go of that impulse to point out where they are wrong , to minimize their concerns or to defend yourself . You have to humbly and completely give yourself over to understanding them , even if you strongly disagree with what you hear .
Decide whether to apologize or to ask for forgiveness . For most of us , the only kind of apology we ever learned to make was , “ Shake hands and say you ’ re sorry .” However , some kinds of hurts call for much more than this . Saying “ I ’ m sorry ” is appropriate when you hurt someone inadvertently , such as bumping into them or forgetting to pass along a message or taking the last doughnut . For offenses where there was sincerely no intention to harm another person and no serious harm was done , “ I ’ m sorry ” or “ I want to apologize ” is a fitting way to make amends .
However , this is far too superficial to convey genuine remorse for times when you have said something hurtful , harmed someone maliciously , engaged in passive-aggressive behavior , or otherwise intentionally disregarded the pain and trouble you were causing them . This may include direct action on your part or failure to act when you should have . Before you dismiss any damage done on your end as “ unintentional ”, stop and do a fearless inventory of your goals , intentions and motives ; can you genuinely say that there was simply no way for you to know the other person would have been harmed by your actions or your inaction ?
In those cases where you were intentionally harmful , you need to start with , “ Will you forgive me for …” and be specific about the offense you committed . When we give a brief , “ I ’ m sorry ” or we fail to give details about what we are actually apologizing for , this comes across as generic and insincere . Be specific , ask for forgiveness and leave yourself at the mercy of the other person , who may or may not choose to forgive you . In cases of intentional offenses , it is you making yourself vulnerable and subject to the rejection of your request for forgiveness that truly demonstrates your remorse .
Sometimes the best we can do is love someone from a distance . As much as you might like to restore certain relationships , someone who is continually abusing and manipulating you without remorse often cannot be involved in your life in a healthy way . In those cases , you have to set healthy boundaries to protect yourself and your loved ones . Before making that choice , you have to be honest with yourself enough to recognize whether it is actually your pride painting the other person as irredeemable . When faced with having to humble ourselves to make amends , often it ’ s easier to label the other person as a villain who simply cannot be reconciled with than to swallow our pride .
Be an example to your children . When your children witness you reaching out to restore a broken relationship , you are teaching them a valuable lesson that will serve them their entire lives . When you teach them the difference between saying , “ I ’ m sorry ” and “ Will you forgive me ?”, you are equipping them with the tools to build happy marriages and friendships ; you are raising more emotionally mature adults !
Larry Deavers is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker & Executive Director of Family Counseling Service of West Alabama .