march / april 2022
28
SURVIVING GRIEF
By Larry Deavers
When we experience the death of a person particularly close to us , the initial shock is difficult to absorb . One person may want to talk more about the experience of the loss or the life of the one who has passed on . Another person may be withdrawn and quiet , perhaps avoiding any discussion of the loss and simply wanting time alone to process a life now without that person .
The healing process is very personal and much can be gained by exercising respect for one another ’ s own styles of absorbing the loss . Long-term damage can happen in relationships when one person attempts to force their own method of grieving onto another . During these times , it is important to give those around us the freedom to experience the loss in their own way and at their own pace .
There are common stages of grief , such as denial or isolation , anger , bargaining ( asking God to take away the hurt in exchange for our good behavior ), depression and , finally , acceptance .
However , these do not occur at the same pace for each person and they may not even follow the same order for everyone . Each one will have his or her own way of progressing through these stages . Some may take days , while others may take several months .
Acknowledge your grief . Though your feelings may be painful , shutting them off does not make them go away . Allowing yourself to reflect on these feelings and how your life will be without this person will , over time , help you come to terms with this new stage of life . Find one or two close friends to confide in who will honor your grieve without rushing you through it .
Take care of yourself . Focus on your physical , emotional and spiritual needs . It ’ s easy to stop self-care activities ( e . g ., eating ) because you may not feel like it . Rather than abandoning your normal routines , try to continue at least some of your previous activities , even if it is to a lesser degree . As you begin to work through your grief , you may find that you want to again devote more time and attention to these . Remaining active also helps ensure that you do not give in to the urge to dwell excessively on your loss .
Celebrate your loved one . Others may be hesitant to bring up your loved one , not knowing how you will respond . Encourage others to share their memories of the person and how he or she impacted their lives . Reflect on what your loved one has meant to you , as well . You may find that this openness about remembering and discussing the person is very freeing .
Let others help . When people offer to do something for you during this time , let them follow through on it . This is important in reminding you that those around you care and it serves to help them acknowledge the loss as well . This time can be very valuable in deepening relationships , which can also help you heal .
There is no right or wrong way to grieve . Everyone ’ s grief experience is unique and each will take its own amount of time . Healing does not mean forgetting ; it means remembering and celebrating how this person has impacted your life and being able to appreciate how they have helped make you who you are .
Because of these variations in handling emotions from person to person , parents may worry about their children who do not seem to grieve the same way the parents do . Adult children may worry that their parents are not as sad as they think they should be , or that , maybe , they are too depressed . Certainly , there are times when professional help is warranted if an individual becomes lodged in a particular stage of grief , but most of the time , they will be able to come to their own resolution about the loss and process it in a way that enables them to continue on with their lives .
When someone close to us experiences a difficult loss , it is important that we give them permission to grieve in their own way . If they need to cry , talk about the lost person , be angry , be quiet , or just withdraw for a while , we should gently let them know we are available for them and that we care , but allow them the freedom to manage their emotions their own way . If you simply take care of them by taking on some of their normal responsibilities during this time , being available , and giving them the space they need to come to terms with the loss that will communicate your love and meet their needs more than any worrying you can do .
Larry Deavers is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker and Executive Director of Family Counseling Service of West Alabama .