march / april 2025
10
BECOMING APPROACHABLE
By Larry Deavers
Whether it ’ s your role as a parent , spouse , coworker or supervisor , being approachable is one of the most valuable aspects of maintaining open communication and healthy relationships with those around you . Even though we may think of ourselves as approachable , it pays to do a fearless self-assessment to help ensure that the way we see ourselves matches what others see in us .
There may be a personal or professional relationship where you often feel an underlying tension . When we feel tension in a relationship with another person , it predisposes us to approach them with a defensiveness that often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy .
Others can usually sense when we are tense , uneasy or onedge ; even if it is only an impression or a gut reaction they have . Without even realizing it , they may respond to this perceived tension with defensiveness of their own . Developing a greater awareness of the way our negative tone , tense body language or a curt tone of voice continues this unhealthy cycle , it will just continue to escalate over time .
Much of getting a positive response from those around us comes from our own mindset as we approach them . Even before we see the person , we are prone to make assumptions regarding them based on past experience combined with our own moods , stresses and biases .
For example , when you are about to see someone you enjoy , think of the way your body posture relaxes and your face brightens even before you see the person . We unconsciously tend to do just the opposite when we are about to talk with someone with who we have a strained relationship . As we become more aware of those tendencies in ourselves , we can make adjustments in advance that help create a more welcoming environment .
Here are some other ideas to help make yourself more approachable :
BE ACCESSIBLE – Quality time only happens when there is an adequate quantity of time . Be interested in them as a person .
BE INTERESTED … GENUINELY INTERESTED . Inquire about more than just the points relevant to you ; find out what ’ s going on with them personally and remember the details that are important to the other person . Are they worried about a sick child or parent ? Remember to show genuine concern and follow up later on to see how things are going .
THIS IS A TRAIT YOU CAN TEACH YOURSELF . It may feel forced at first , but you can truly develop a greater interest in others if you make it a priority . Others typically respond more positively when they see that you care about them as individuals , not just in what they can do for you .
MAINTAIN A WELCOMING VIBE . Work on improving your initial response when interrupted with something unexpected . It is easy to visibly show frustration in our words or body language when we have to deal with the unexpected . Without a mindful effort to be gracious under stress , those around us will be reluctant to bring us bad news , seek our advice when under duress or trust us to be interested when they are struggling .
CREATE A SAFE ENVIRONMENT , PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY . This means exercising the emotional maturity to filter out our own thoughts and emotions that might shut down the other person . This is especially true of parents . Since your child has little recourse when you treat them rudely , it is tempting to give them an unfiltered response when we feel frustrated that leaves them feeling belittled or full of self-doubt . A pattern of feeling shut-down typically results in a tense or distanced relationship with your child , and , maybe , even an estranged relationship once they are grown .
RESPECT PERSONAL SPACE . Your use of space has a huge impact on enhancing a sense of safety and empathy . When we stand too close or tower over another person , they tend to feel dominated and may even be resistant . Generally , people do not communicate openly when they feel threatened by our violation of their space . Practices that help enhance your approachability include being on an equal level , such as sitting , standing or kneeling ( e . g ., for a small child ). Also take into consideration any height difference between you and the other person and allow extra space to accommodate a wide difference . Be mindful of touching and utilize this only in very familiar relationships where it is not likely to be misinterpreted .
RESPECT BOUNDARIES . Be aware of any tendency to impose yourself on others when they approach you . Try to avoid interrupting , jumping to conclusions or telling them what to do , if they have not asked your opinion . Often , others just want someone to listen without trying to solve their problem for them . Pay attention in a non-judgmental way and ask how you can help without making any quick assumptions .
Practice empathy . This involves listening to what the other person ’ s concern is and trying to picture what they experiencing by putting yourself fin their place . Being emotionally present with another person , even someone we love , does not come easily . It takes an extra dose of time , energy and patience to put ourselves in another ’ s place . When we give in to giving advice without expressing empathy , others may feel unheard and frustrated , even though your advice may have value , they are not fully able to receive it .
For a time , others will continue to respond to the way they expect us to be based on the past . Changing their expectations takes time as we prove that we are consistently patient , empathetic and engaging in ways that recognize their value and their individual needs . Be patient and consistent and prove that , if they let down their guard , you can be trusted to make them feel safe and accepted .
Larry Deavers is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker & Executive Director of Family Counseling Service of West Alabama .