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Men are now reportedly grumbling that their conversations are being policed , so perhaps it ’ s finally time to take the men out of Mensa ?
Don ’ t judge a book ...
Sue Mackay from Devon was obsessed with the Enid Blyton ’ s Famous Five adventures when she was a child so when she found a book entitled , “ Five Get Gran Online ” she thought it would be an ideal starter for her seven-year-old granddaughter . It was only after the little girl came back from school with a note from her teacher pointing out that the book was “ inappropriate ” that she read the book , which is from a series called Enid Blyton for Grown-Ups by Bruno Vincent , and includes some very un- Blyton language .
Other titles in the series include , “ Five go Gluten Free ” in which George , Dick , Anne and Julian swap cream buns and ginger beer for butternut squash and smoothies , “ Five go Parenting ” in which Cousin Rupert is put behind bars , leaving them to care for his baby daughter Lily , and “ Five on Brexit Island ” in which tempers are frayed and the bonds of friendship tested when Dick , Anne , Julian , George and Timmy the dog head to tiny Kirrin Island to escape the EU referendum campaign .
Jubilee Jollies
All eyes on Things Royal at the beginning of this month to celebrate Ma ’ am ’ s 70 years at the top of the charts . As expected , it ’ s been another excuse to flood the market with lots of forgettable memorabilia which will turn up on Antiques Roadshow in a decade or two .
Merchandise , edible and otherwise , has been flooding the market , led by Heinz who are offering special editions of HP Sauce , renamed HM Sauce , and Salad Cream transformed into Salad Queen . A certain breed of small dog seems to dominate the offerings , however . Marks & Spencer have metamorphed Colin the Caterpillar into Colin the Corgi , while Morrisons have countered with their Clarence the Corgi cake .
For a more permanent canine memento , there ’ s the Corgi Key Ring by Mulberry (£ 110 / € 130 ) while Green King pubs are offering a free “ tipple ” to anyone who turns up with a corgi over the jubilee weekend .
John Lewis has a Corgi Cross Stitch Kit while Hobbycraft has a crochet version . Even PG Tips has launched a limited edition pack of tea bags featuring pictures of ... er ... corgis . And there ’ s even celebration packs of dog biscuits around , as well as shortbread for their owners .
At The Grand Junction Arms pub in Harlesden , north London there will be games of pin a tail on the Corgi ( yes , really ), while a Korean restaurant has introduced a limited edition dish , the Golden Corgi Dog ( no , not what you thought - but half a hotdog , half melted mozzarella , ketchup and mustard , sprayed in gold , decorated with gold pearls and glitter , and served with a crown ...)
There are teeshirts , mugs , tote bags , teddy bears , tea towels and the rest of the usual stuff course , plus the favourite and naffest found by your Jottings team : a caddy of Earl Grey tea – spin the top round and it plays God Save The Queen . A snip at £ 12.99 / € 15.50 .
Spare a thought for ...
... an anonymous woman at the top of Mount Walker in the Olympic National Forest , northwest of Seattle , Washington State , who suffered bad luck and good luck in equal measure in late April . Bad luck came when she dropped her mobile phone into a toilet , managed to take the seat off and used dog leads to try to retrieve it .
Unfortunately , and unknown to her , the loo was a non-flush variety which empties into a holding tank buried deep in the ground , so the bad luck continued as she delved deeper and deeper searching for her phone ... and then got stuck , head down . But finally good luck kicked in as she found her phone and was able to call the emergency services to come and pull her out .
... Barrett Golden ’ s mum who was surprised when a takeaway delivery of 31 cheeseburgers arrived at her front door in Texas . She hadn ’ t placed the $ 91.70 order ... but two-year-old Barrett had , using mum ’ s unlocked phone – and he ’ d added a handsome tip as well . The burgers were shared amongst neighbours .
But don ’ t spare a thought for ...
... the Police and Crime Commissioner in Nottinghamshire , Caroline Henry , who pledged a crackdown on speeding motorists . She appeared in court last month charged with breaking the 30 mph speed limit five times in 12 weeks . Henry told the court she was , “ very sorry , embarrassed and ashamed ,” although whether for speeding or for being caught was unclear .
... workers for Lancashire County Council who recently erected a new bus stop in the city of Lancaster which bore the name of the destination which it serves . Unfortunately ( in so many different ways ) this was labelled “ Royal Grammer School .” Headmaster Chris Pyle pictured the schoolboy error on Twitter and ordered the Council to write it out correctly 50 times .
And finally ...
The plaque attached to a bench near Aberystwyth Castle in Wales has been removed by Ceredigion County Council who claimed it was unauthorised . It read , “ In loving memory of Huw Davis . Used to sit here and shout ‘ F *** off ’ at the seagulls .”
Quotes
“ Three-times Wimbledon champion Boris Johnson has just spent his first night in prison .” – BBC Breakfast TV presenter Naga Munchetty on April 30 , confusing one Boris with another .
“ A surgically enhanced pound shop replica .” – Sarah Vine in the Daily Mail describing Kim Kardashian wearing Marilyn Monroe ' s “ Happy Birthday Mr President ” dress at last month ’ s Met Gala in New York .
“ Who ’ s Lorraine ?” – UK prime minister Boris Johnson speaking on May 3 , clearly mystified about the identity of veteran TV presenter Lorraine Kelly .
" No no no no no , he ’ s yours , keep him , you ’ ve got him ". – Nigel Farage ’ s response to an American who asked if the British people want Prince Harry on the palace balcony during the Jubilee celebrations .
“ The Scousetrap ” – Cited last month as an alternative name for the interminable Wagatha Christie court case ...
Grateful acknowledgement to the following papers from which some of this material is extracted : Daily Mail , Daily Mirror , Daily Express , Independent on Sunday , Mail on Sunday , The Sun , The Sunday Times , The Times and The Telegraph . Seen something funny , bizarre or just plain weird ? Contributions for Jottings are welcome by email to : sarah @ soltalk . com .
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